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Question
Posted by: Bee | 2005/12/06

Confused, very confused!!

Dont know if some people would regard this as a problem but I think I need advice and would appreciate your inputs. To cut a long story short, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 11 months and it has been the best 11 mnths of my life. He is not South African and from where he comes from he is a prince and according to his tradition a wife has to be chosen for him by his father. When he first told me this at the beginning, I thought it was a joke and he had joked about it as well, I mean its 2005 and people dont have wives chosen for them anymore. I did not take it seriously and he did not go any furhter with the issue. But he told me over the weekend that his dad has chosen a wife for him an and the "chosen wife" has to come live with him and will be coming next weekend. What I want to know is how does one get through this? You have shared the best 11 mnths with someone and somebody is going to come and take it all away. I know he loves me and is only doing it bcoz he has to do it not because he wants to do it. But then on the other hand I believe in live we make our own choices and he has chosen to be with this woman and to make matters worse he does not even know the woman!! So how does one share the rest of his life with a stranger. Some of you are probably thinking that he may have brainwashed me to believe he does not know the woman, believe me he doesnt. I have asked people that come from the same area as he and who do not know about my relationship with him and they tell me that as a prince he its his fathers duty to find him a wife. I have been crying myself to sleep and at times I am ok with the whole issue and not being with him anymore but at times I am not. Why do I have to suffer like this, why didnt he leave me alone and not make me fall for him if he knew about his tradition, why, why, why? I ask myself these questions and I dont get answers. I aslo ask hime and he tells me that he fell for me and could not help himself. But then why would he put in all this misery, I dont understand. He even tells his friends that I am the best thing thats ever happened to him and the best person he's ever been with. I dont want to keep going back and forth but I just do not know what to do. He says to me that we can still continue our relationship even if the wife is there and he will always be there for as long as I need him. A part of me still wants to continue even if the wife comes but then another part does not want to share him with anyone. I would like to get him out of my mind but how do I do it. He has been there for me, a lot of things have happened during my time with him and he was there, he was my pillar now he wont be there anymore. He even says that we should make the best of these next 2 wks before the she comes but I dont think I can, It hurts too much. I would like to know from people out there what they think. Before I close off, a thought's just come to mind "WHY DONT I ENJOY MY TIME WITH HIM WHILE I STILL CAN?" What do u think???????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

WHat he has been telling you MAY be true, but it could also be fraudulent, and relying on your lack of detailed knowledge of how things work in his home country. Apart from his comments, what proof do you have that he is actually a prince anywhere, or that in his home village maybe everyone calls themselves a prince.?
Such aranged mariages do take place in some cultures and circumstances, but it was, if true, deeply immoral of him to have formed a close relationship with you before announcing this as an end or change to your relationship.

But, if his story is true, or a deception, either way the relationship is doomed and it's wisest for you to get out of it now before you get more hurt by it.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cheesy | 2005/12/06

Bee... Listen to me. GET OUT OF IT NOW.
You're only going to prolong the hurt and pain - get out of it now... Do it with dignity, leave him, and try as hard as you can to move on. Don't try to drag things out by enjoying the "last few days together" ... It will only make things so much harder! Try to break it off asap, then go away for a few days. PLEASE - been there... please just do it as soon as humanly possible - it will make things so much easier for you.

Reply to Cheesy
Posted by: Mwa | 2005/12/06

Jeesh..... that's a sad story right there. My doll I know how you feel, feel rejected Im sure, but you know what there is someone else out there made just for you. According to your bf, you basically made your own choice. He told you and you didnt take it to heart, and I think it would have been much better if you got it over and done with from the beginning. Because now, it is rather too late. Both of you have fallen with each other so madly that it will obviously be too hard for you to move on - and obviously ok with him - in the next two weeks he will be a married man with a wife to stand right beside him forever. That is why I would think it will be wise if you move on now before it gets even harder and depressing!! I mean even if you guys decide on continuing this while the wife is there - where does that put you and what does that make you??? "A gf for life". Are you willing to be a gf for the rest of your life. Dont you want to be a good makoti once... dont you dream of your wedding day?? Clearly he is not going to change his culture and rituals for you....so think again. Better not even think about the next two weeks as you will be hurting yourself more....thinking its your last days together up until you become "inyatsi"....Sadly he will have to keep you a secrete not only to his wife but to his whole family as well, they shouldnt find out about you and what will his dad and his tribe think of him, you better stay a secrete lover- is that what you want? Dont you want to be introduced to your bf family and be known?? We can give you advise but at the end of the day - the choice is yours. If you think you can handle the pain and hurt and to stay a nobody... entirely up to you. But you can have a better life and have a man that will belong to you and only you....!! Fall in love and feel appreciated by everyone around - relationship built between his and your family. Think again. Good Luck and make a wise decision!! God Bless

Reply to Mwa
Posted by: Moon | 2005/12/06

Is this guy Arabian? Been in the same situation. He wasn't a prince, though, but he was Arabian and that's how their tradition works. For as long as I live probably I'll always regard my Arabian lover as my "favourite mistake..." We were very in love and I knew from the start that things won't ever work out for us, as I'm Christian and I'll never give up my religion, nor bring up my children as Muslims. That aside, what I'm trying to tell you is... it's their tradition. You, nor anybody else have the power to change that... I would suggest you make peace with the fact that he's not the person you're going to be with for the rest of your life... IT's hard, but try to look at it from this angle.. and I hope you can look back at it with a smile, like I'm doing... Good luck...

Reply to Moon

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