Posted by: ZzZ | 2009/04/06

Confused - Need some objective advise

So I went all crazy again...

My boyfriend finally left me - I won' t go into all the details. I was all alone in the big city and spent the rest of the night at my ex husband' s house as I had nowhere else to sleep.

I went to visit family for a week. In the week my ex boyfriend packed all my things in boxes ready for me to pick it up when I' m back.

Since I' ve been back I' ve been staying at my ex husband' s place, while I' m looking for my own place. He has now begged me to stay and see if we can work things out.

The reasons why we got divorced in the first place:
* His parents hated me (they still do). They threatened never to visit their son as long as I was there.
* My ex husband was very obsessive. The house had to be perfect at all times. I wasn' t allowed friends over or any pets. A few months before everything ended he refused to have sex with me cause of the 0.01% chance there is to get pregnant with contraceptives.
* The last time we had a fight he strangled me and hit me.

I can see he changed alot. He' s outgoing now - we partied till 03h30 Saturday night. He asked me to organise us a party over the weekend at his house. He said that I should get a little kitten (and I did). He' s playing with the cat and the bird. Since I' m staying there it looks like a tornado went through the place, and he hasn' t complained once.

I don' t know if I should stay there or should I find my own place for a while?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If you were visiting your family, couldn't you have stayed with them ? Anyhow, the last bf sounds like no major loss --- you're probably better off without him. But your ex , though supportive right now --- he sees an opportunity --- doesn't sound like a good idea either, except in an acute emergency --- none of the good reasons for having ended that relationship seem to have changed significantly . I really wonder how much he has truly changed. That's he's now keen to party till 3.30 am isn't really an improvement. He is likely to change back once you have become dependent on him. Get your own place and your independence. SOME people can change,but not in everything and anything --- but it doesn't sound as though he has had any good reason to do all the ahrd work of changing. Maria is absolutely right --- do NOT rush into this. Get your own place, become independent, and have him as one friend, and see over time whether he remains as changed as you think he is

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Our users say:
Posted by: Old mother | 2009/04/08

Please leave adn set up home on your own. You need time to heal from the one failed relationship. You need to be whole again before you can start a new relationship and given the history that you do have with your ex. it is a Big NO NO. YOu don' t need more stress in your life. Depend on yourself, be accountable for yourself, find out what you like and what makes you happy before being in a relationship that has to focus on making someone else happy.

Good luck

Reply to Old mother
Posted by: Leila | 2009/04/06

The last time you had a fight he strangled and hit you - sorry but you have rocks for brains if you think he has changed and you want to get back together with him.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: Maria | 2009/04/06

I believe people can change, but it' s very, very difficult. My advise would be to find your own place and don' t make yourself dependent on your ex. Then you can date, get to know each other again, and make a decision about the future when you feel confident that the change is permanent. Think months, even years rather than weeks.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: ZzZ | 2009/04/06

Am I the only one who believe people can chance...?

Reply to ZzZ
Posted by: z | 2009/04/06

no girl move on with ur u know that say there are many ways of catching the rat?hes doing it now.plz dont fall for his traps.

Reply to z
Posted by: BOO | 2009/04/06

no, no, and no again. He' s charming you to get you back, then the behaviour will change again. A leopard doesn' t change its spots, my dear, especially when he' s physically abusive. Don' t do it. You' ll just get hurt again after he' s caught you in his web.

Reply to BOO

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