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Question
Posted by: shelly | 2004/01/21

confused and unhappy part 2

thanks for the response, i feel better already.

just some points of correction: the boyfriend paid lobola in May 2003 and resigned in August 2003 and came to live with me. his employer promised that his pension fund will be available within 3-4weeks after the resignation date, but now this has changed. up to today, he has not received any cent from the pension fund. we approached a lawyer for assistance but there is no success.

my boyfriend worked for the municipality for 4 years and an organisation named SALA (based in Joburg) is the pension administrator. SALA says they did not receive any correspondence from the employer and the HR officer says that she posted the claim for the pension fund to SALA. both parties are not helpful at all. i dont know what to do?

going back to the lobola issue: he managed to pay the lobola because i took a loan of R6000 at the bank in April 2003, and we agreed that he will pay the monthly instalments . this was his idea since no bank would help him because he is blacklisted.

when he resigned, he assured me that he will pay the remaining balance for the loan. by then he was convinced that the pension money will be available within 3-4 weekks.

he applied for UIF but his application was not successful.

we are still staying together and he is seriously looking for a job but cannot find anything. we spoke about his finances and he admitted that he messed up, but i think it will take time to forgive him. maybe the best thing would be for him to find his own place? but how does he do that if he is unemployed? otherwise he will have to go back home and live with his parents?

i have accepted things as they are, but feel that i need more time before i can marry him. on the other hand, the bfriend says he wants to marry as soon as the pension money comes out. i told him about my feelings, and was disappointed but he hopes that i will change my mind.

now i dont enjoy my salary anymore because:

i have to pay the monthly rental of R1200
buy more groceries in order to cater for him as well
buy him toiletries every month
give him transport money when he goes out to look for a job
pay the loan instalments (the bank deducts is by debit order i n my account ( R580 pm)
pay the electricity bill.
my gross salary is R5000 so it has been difficult, now its better because i cancelled my investment account with the bank(was saving R1000 pm).

mum says i should be patient things will improve.

i hope things will improve because the baby is coming very soon.

maybe the other reason which complicates my situation is that last year i met a man and we became friends for a month or two. i then fell in love with him but when i told him of my feelings and he encouraged me to stay with my bfriend since he paid lobola. however, he told me that he loved me very much but will try to forget about me.

throughout my pregnancy i have been thinking about him a lot. when i told my doctor about this he said, " if you are preganant you should not take your dreams seriously". i dont think this man will consider me anymore because he was disappointed to hear that im pregnant and he once mentioned that he does not date woman who has a child. he is 30 yrs, an accountant and he is single with no child. i regret for not giving him a chance last year.

please help.





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Our expert says:
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Dear Shelly,
Glad to hear you've begun to feel better aleady ! And I hope the progress continues.
On the pensions issue, I'm as hopeless as anyone ; you need legal and/or Union advice on that. I guess that organizations and administrators may in some way profit from the great delays, as, if they're able to do this with a number of people, someone somewhere must be geting the interest on the money, wherever it's sitting.
Banks make money by lending, so if he had lobola problems because he was blacklisted, he must have had significant previous problems with borrowing money he couldn't pay back.
Would it be terrible if he did, for a time, go home and live with his parents ?
Your reluctance to hurry up and get maried, sounds really wise. If he's honest, then this guy is really terrible about handling money, and, serously, may need to find somewhere to learn about how to deal with his financial affairs better. As it is, he has put YOU into debt for him, with no benefit to you, and until he can pay off his debts and get a job, he's just living off you and not bringing anything positive into the marriage at all.
Of course, I'm not qualified to comment on the details of the lobola issue, but it sounds to me as if YOU paid your own Lobola, not him, so surely your responsibility is more towards yourself, than to him.

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