Posted by: San | 2004/10/07

Confused about relationship

This is my dilemma. I've been with my partner for 16 years now. We had a brief breakup 3 years ago but got back together, for better or worse. I love him dearly ... problem is ... I think I love him more like a brother than a boyfriend. I don't feel any sexual attraction for him. Sex has become mechanical and has been been for a while. It has come to a point where the relationship has become convenient because I do most household chores for him, he gives financial help where necessary. But we don't want to let go of each other either. A complication is also that he is HIV positive and has been for 12 years, I am not. We made a decision to stick together forever, so even though I often think of going my own way I can't because we vowed to stay together. Where does that leave me? I feel like I am around mostly to look after him. He is not sick, he is on meds, but my main concern is always his wellbeing and health. So my life ends up running around cleaning, cooking ,washing and looking after him. HIs life is cool, he has fun, has his hobbies, does what he wants to do and his household is perfectly looked after, he does not participate in cleaning or cooking or anything to do with the household. I am not sure I want to do this for the rest of my life. I broached my feelings a few times and he doesn't want to discuss it, always says he'll try and make it better, but after a few months we are back to square one. What am I do to. Obivously there's a lot more to it than what I've mentioned here.

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Our expert says:
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Can you renegotiate this relationship as a friendship and a convenient "friends-sharing" set-up ? I wonder why you vowed to stay togetehr forever ? With him being HIV positive, sex with him carries a significant risk for you, especially if this continues in the long-term. I'm not sure that such vows cannot and should not be re-negotiated. This deal sounds far too much like your role being a servant and sex-provider, while hen otherwise enjoys his life as he pleases. Slavery was abolished, by law, quite some years ago. If you feel hesitant about walking out, how about at least some marriage / relationship counselling to see what might be sorted out properly ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: San | 2004/10/08

CS, I think you've hit the nail on the head. I am his servant. I put it to him like that before, he duly chose to ignore my ranting and raving about it. I can just as well talk to the walls. I do feel sorry for him and he probably knows that. For me it is quite clear ... he either has to change or we split up, finally. I've suggested councelling before and he doesn't want to go because he probably knows he will not be able to avoid the issues anymore. Guess I will have to take the bull by the horns in this case.

Reply to San
Posted by: ZOZO | 2004/10/08

There is a great difference between Love and Pity. I think you feel sorry for him. He is not sick yet you let him help you with the housework that in a way is an excerise for him. You cant put your life on hold for someone, always put yourself first.

Reply to ZOZO

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