Posted by: Jakes | 2008/06/09


I've been through some of the posts and something struck me which never did before. I always assumed being gay as only being physically attracted to other guys.

Since I've hit puberty about 12 years ago, I have been looking at other guys and can remember always wanting to do some or other nawty thing with them. Thing is, I've always maintained that I could never see myself being in a relationship with other guys. I am just not interested. To me, being gay is having sexual fun with other guys and that's it. Seems as if I was wrong all these years.

I've had my fair share of teen crushes (on girls) and have been in a relationship with a girl at one stage. I was also physically attracted to her but I remember clearly being in love with her. I really loved her a lot. For some reason, I cannot seem to think that I could ever feel like that about a guy. And I'm not sure I want to. I want to get married to a girl, and I want to have kids with her, not because it's normal but because I really want to. But because of my physical attraction to guys I can't seem to build any meaningfull relationships with girls. I mean, I would be dating a girl but would be eyeing her brother more than what I eye her . . .

I've also had sexual experiences with one or two other guys before, so I'm totally clear in my mind that I am physically interested in guys. I even think guys are hotter than girls and when I've got a chance to check people out, I'd rather look at guys. Let me put it a different way, I think Iean more towards gay than to being straight. But surely one can't have your bread buttered on both sides, can you? How do I decide which way it is that I want to go? Do I need to decide? All these mixed emotions really confuses me. I thought that things would become clearer over time but I am non the wiser now than what I was five years ago.

So maybe I'm 60% gay and 40% straight. I have no choice but to act straight as coming out would result in me loosing all my friends and being rejected from the family. Sometimes I really wish that I was normal, things would have been much simpler!

Any words of wisdom for my confused mind??

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Jakes, a warm welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.

Great responses and I have little to add... It doesn't matter whether you think of yourself as straight, gay or bi - whatever works for you - but wanting to marry a woman isn't only about your needs. Think about your potential wife's needs as well. Heterosexual marriage, according to your terms, would be a deception and an injustice to the woman. Many heterosexual couples don't or can't have children, and many gay people do have children. If kids are so important to you consider adopting.

It sounds as if you have some serious thinking to do....

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Jack Horner | 2008/06/10

dude, listen to the guys here, i am in a marriage with the wife, 2.3 children, the volvo, house, labrador blah di blah di blah.... don't get married because you feel it is the right thing to do,,,,it is not, trust us......once you're in it is very difficult to get out.....

Reply to Jack Horner
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/06/10

Dude, I was actually married. I also wanted a wife, and still want children. So yes, you have hit the nail on the head. It is because of our notion that true happiness and being settled down is when you have a wife and start a family with a home and a pool and 2 cars etc etc.
Again, ask yourself WHY do you REALLY want a wife, as you said earlier that you are really more attracted to men. Is it not just the end to the means of having kids? And believe me, getting married and trying to live with this is not a good decision. And then you have another person's life also in the equasion. So please do not get a girlfriend or wife just to hide from your friends or family or yourself foor that matter , or to have kids. This is serious stuff.
And if you are gay it really should not mean that you can never have children. If you and your partner really want a child, there are really many options available today. And with gay marriage legal, I am sure you would even be easier considered foradoption if you are married.
You sound like a really wise guy, and have worked many things out in your head. Keep at it, and speak to someone proffessional too. Sort all of these confusions out in your head first. Find out what you want and why, before you make any life changing decisions.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/06/10

Hi Jakes,
You are getting the real truth from the fellows above - you won't get it closer from the horses mouth if you try!
I also had discreet encounters before I got married and had kids. Getting married just seemed the 'right thing' to do. I totally believed that I could NEVER have an emotional relationship with another fellow - or in fact that they actually didn't (couldn't?) exist. Maybe I blocked that all out of my mind, as it was sooooo socially unacceptable to me that I would rather have curled up and died!(I even got all grossed out about it in my sick little mind!) All I needed was the sex (right?), and the rest...well I seemed happy enough with the girls, and the hectic social life with my straight friends, so what's the problem..? Errrr....the fact that the need for sex with fellows just never went away!
I met a married fellow with similar needs, a few years after I married, and thought that this would finally sort things out - a discreet Phuck Buddy! Lovely...! Unfortunately, it didn't take long before we were in love, and all my notions about relationships with Guys, flew right out the window! I was older by now, and much more in tune with my wants and needs. Now comes the cruncher...what was I to do with the wife, kids, dogs, house, possesions, friends, life....? My life began to crumble! It took a HUGE amount of balls and time, to sort this all out.
Today, things are very different. I'm extremely happy, free, and totally at peace with who and what I am. I have a wonderfull boyfriend of 7 years, two well adjusted teenagers, and an Ex wife who is still my dearest, and best friend. (and I hope she's forgiven me...?)
None of us can tell you what to do my friend, but at best, please don't follow in our footsteps if you aren't 100% sure.
Years ago, there were no forums, or Gay friendly Therapists to talk to...these days things are very different. Please take your life, and discuss it with a Therapist. Talk about the real issues - the things you've mentioned here....NOT what you think your family and friends would want for you. Please don't rush out and marry because of your upbringing - the wonderful picture of wife/kids and the white picket fence.(Yes, your notions above are what you are brought up to think is the only option)
Ask other's here how soul destroying it becomes when you realise what you've signed up for....and the amount of damage you're in for to undo this process!(or to stay committed there)
Of course there are still times when I miss the family scene - when on holiday, or sitting in a restuarant and watching others...I still get emotional sometimes. But you know what, that's once in a blue moon - for the rest I'm 2000% happy and at home with being Gay. It's not necessarily something you just one day sort, and get on with for the rest of your life. It takes time, and patience, and sometimes a renewed look at life from time to time. I have had people make obscure, rude comments before...and that does set me back a bit. But I've learn't to bounce back, and try not let lifes little events get to me.
What ever your decission, please spend time on yourself. Go and evaluate your wants, needs and desires. Try and figure out what it really is that makes you tick.....I can assure you, it will be 100% worth it!
Best of Luck .... D

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Jakes | 2008/06/10

You all could have been experts! You are great!

If I'm really gay, how do you explain my need to have a wife and chlidren. Or is it actually about wanting children and in my mind, the only way to have children is with a women, because that's the way we were all brought up.

I think I just answered my own question.

Reply to Jakes
Posted by: Gareth | 2008/06/09

Hi Jakes, and welcome.
I agree with the responses so far. I think you need to go and sit down and be brutally honest with yourself. Why, exactly and honestly do you believe that you cannot "fall in love" with a guy like with a girl?
I think it is because you are trying your best to convince yourself that your attraction to guys is just physical and as long as it is just physical, you don't have to admit to yourself that you are gay. But the fact that this "attraction to guys" prohibits you from having a meaningful relationship with a girl, is really a clear indication of your nature kicking hard against the direction you are trying to force it into. You really do want to be with a guy, but are too scared - which is totally understandable and normal to be.
That is why you need to have this hard look into your life. That is if you want to be out of this confusion. Address why you are scared of who you are. Losing friends and family are definitely one - like you said. Fear of being rejected is certainly the worst fear each and every gay person went through at some stage. But you need to decide, are you willing to sacrifice your own happiness and needs in order to keep someone else happy, forever? You are the only person that you are really responsible for making happy. And yes, you might lose some friends, but in my personal experience most people do not lose friends, they rather gain more or form even closer bonds with their friends. It is still you, nothing changes, except the fact that they then know the real you a little better. And if someone cannot accept you being true to yourself, then they are not worth wasting your friendsip on.
You really should think of seeing a therapist, just to help you work through this all in your mind first. And you do not need to decide, am I gay or am I straight right away, you only need to decide what is it that you really want from your life, and what is truly going to make you happy.
This is not an easy journey, but looking back at my own journey, with all the confusion and pain included, it was really one hell of a ride, and the best thing that ever happened to me.
Keep us updated here. Best of luck.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2008/06/09

Hi Jakes. I think Nikkits about sums it up, but I would like to add. If you loose friends for being who you are, are they really your friends? If your family discards you for being honest, do they really love you? Weigh up what is important to you, no one else. If you live an unhappy life, you will make many others unhappy in the process on many different levels. Honesty can sometimes be cruel, but in the long run it always turns out to be the best policy, no matter how you look at it. I know some guys try the double life, and it seems to work for some. Do you want to live a life of deceit and mistrust? No my friend, make a choice and stay with it. You said that you read many posts; have you considered some independent counseling? An outsider who sees things in an objective manner most and who has no personal interest in you will put things in perspective. At the moment things are most probably a bit muddled for you and you think of too many factors at one. Go and see a therapist, if you do not like him or her, find another who you are comfortable with and take it from there. All the best and keep posting

Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/06/09


Thanks for a great post and perhaps an opportunity to debate a scenario that not only you struggle with, but many others who visit this forum.

Assuming is always dangerous but from what you have posted I can come to a reasonable conclusion and feel safe in saying the following to you.

You are gay, 100% and stop kidding yourself. !!! WOW–how is that for a wakeup call!! ??

Now I say this because it is all summed up in the FINAL PARAGRAPH of you own post.

Let me paste it in here to remind you ………..


So maybe I'm 60% gay and 40% straight. I have no choice but to act straight as coming out would result in me loosing all my friends and being rejected from the family. Sometimes I really wish that I was normal, things would have been much simpler!


You have no choice but to act straight ……… !!! ??? I don’t think so my friend …

The fact that you dread losing all your friends and be rejected by your family my dear fellow is precisely why you are working overtime to “convince” yourself that come hell or high water “YOU HAVE TO BE STRAIGHT OR ELSE ……”

Today many lives are ruined because of that very scenario. You already feel and believe you are NOT NORMAL (for this alone, I want you to put up the famous ONE FINGER – or two fingers if you use both hands – to the world for having “convinced” you that being gay is ABNORMAL.)

You can never begin to consider holding on to friends (or family) and hating who you are for the rest of your life. Not loving yourself for who you are WILL never go away and all you will continue to do is hurt everyone around you in the process of trying your best to make them love you because you have to be “like them”.

I am glad you posted here and I hope you will not run and feel I am bashing you to bits, which is not my intention. I think you will have more friends and a family that love you the day you love yourself for who you are and face it head on.

You will never be alone in this anyway, never ………


Reply to Nikkits

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