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Question
Posted by: Natasja | 2008/06/04

Confused

Hi all!

i came out about a year ago, and although my family is very 'supportive', i sometimes wonder if they really do accept my decision.

i've had this terrable guilt with me since i told my family, as my sister in law told me how my mom cried for days about it, only to find out a year later it was a load of crap, my mom never cried and according to her, is very happy for me.

but everytime me amd my gilfriend (i've dated 4 girls) break up, my family seem happy about it, i'm not to sure if they are happy we broke up, or that maybe they really just didn'y like her or feel she was the right person for me.

i've now met a stunning girl and we are seeing how things work out, (i stay in pta and she in kempton - so there is a bit of distance) i went to visit at her mom's house about 2weeks ago, and her family welcomed me with open arms, it was so nice! (my ex-girlfriends parents hated the idea that they were lesbian)
i just hope that when she came to visit me last weekend my family made her feel the same ( but i think they did a good job)

thebn there's my work, everyone in the office knows that i am gay, and they are usually very supportive, until my girlfriend came to vissit me last week. they made this big issue about the fact that we slept in the same bed in my parents house. (my parents do not mind) my colleagues told me that i am bringing my parent houise into shame and disgrace. i mean really, im 22years old, its not like i'm a child anymore!!!! is it better just to keep my personal life private, and not answer their questions anymore??

thnx

Nats...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

A special 'hi' to you Natasja and a very warm welcome to our forum. We're often too male dominated so lesbian voices are particularly welcome.

An interesting aspect of your post is a word in your first sentence - do you really think this is all about a "decision"?

And be wary of your sister-in-law....

Please post again soon.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Natasja | 2008/06/04

Thnx you all so much for your replies!!!

i do not for one second though regret that i am gay or that i came out when i did!

i do agree with you Deeve that my sister in law is a Homophobe!!!

i was brought up in a home where we (myself, bother and sister) were told that 'even if we are gay or straight we will always be loved and we wil always stay their kids.' i think where my feeling of 'guilt' come in is that every parent has dreams for their children, and maybe deep inside me it feels like i am not living up to my parents dreams?

but i have to add, that i have never been more happy, i can for the first time be myself!!! i am FREE!!!

i dont have alot of gay friends, thus not really having someone to talk to, maybe that is why i feel so confused sometimes! but thanx to you guys, i feel like i can now express myself!!

thanx guys!!!

Natasja...

Reply to Natasja
Posted by: tink | 2008/06/04

hey sweetie

congrats on coming out! it's a big step...:) regarding your situation both at home and work know that it's unique... only you will know what will / won't work... trust your gut.. you know more than you think you do! ;) i try to believe the best ... it's not always true... but we're all just human... with our own prejudice, confusion, emotions, dreams...

just know what you want... what makes you happy ... and decide what to do about it... you are important! ;)

hope your day is filled with loads of smiles!

cheerios
tink

ps. my gf and i have been together for 7 yrs... there were tears in the beginning but in the end her dad told her that she is still one of his assets (they are 3 daughters)... i love them to death and they treat me as a daughter... i coulnd't ask for more... it is possible... dream it, believe it

Reply to tink
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/06/04

Hi There...please just take this as my five cents.
Your 'Sister in Law' is a total Homophobe. She told you all that crap about your Mom, just to make you feel all that guilt and nonsense...and for all that time. She should be strung up!
Next, your 'decision'? Honey, you or your family can't decide anything. You're either Gay or you're not. Maybe I read this all wrong, but are you regretting your 'decision' to having told them? Other than that, there's nothing to decide. You're guilt ridden because it appears that your family have not 'completely' accepted you. Everytime you break up, you say they look 'delighted'? I recon it's because they're hoping that you'll change your mind, and bring home a fellow! I also have Gay friends whose parents still 'hope' that they'll marry one day!!! Doesn't mean that there's anything untoward going on, it's just those unsettling comments that appear at the most inappropriate times...I know how you're feeling!
Your work. My five cents says keep your private life 'private'!
With all the anguish and hassles that keep tripping you up, I would say it would be much safer for you to just do your own thing. Why bother to tell them if they're only going to be rude, and homophobic!
Anyway...this is just MY perception of your posting...I may be wrong. Regards

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: NIkkits | 2008/06/04

Hi Natasja

Your family will accept as much as they need to accept and thus far it sounds like they care enough. So I really don’t think you need to be overly concerned about them.

I am more concerned about you in the sense that you seem to keep feeling "guilty" .... About what?

You are a wonderful person and need not be feeling guilty because you happen to be gay. That small degree of doubt that you have (that guilty) feeling rubs off on people around you and the hesitations is more then likely what leaves your family in a bit of a "confused" state (i.e. should they be happy for you or more concerned for you to be happy)

At work, people who talk like that (shame and disgrace) needs to be educated to first and foremost RESPECT you for being you and secondly to mind their own business when their remarks or opinions become degrading on a subject they clearly don’t understand.

How would they feel if the tables were turned and the world was dominated by gay people and being heterosexual was some sort of disgrace?

When you answer questions first make sure that such questions are ASKED IN RESPECT and not just a series of derogatory remarks. Questions asked in respect can be answered with respect otherwise you can inform them that you will lay a charge of sexual misconduct end of story. You don't go down to their level BUT you be firm in making them realize you deserve as much respect as anyone else.

I find anti-gay opinioned people start off by NOT having respect for gays and then claim it their right (which is far from it) to BE DISRESPECTFUL. Don’t allow it

Good Luck

Nikkits
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Reply to NIkkits

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