Posted by: kelly | 2007/05/10


Hey there,

Anyone out here that can help me? I am in a totally loving and great relationship with my girlfriend. We are both not out as our parents will not support us and we are not self supporting to move out yet...

I was just wondering about something. In my past relationship I was with a girl who was willing to fight to be with me. We were in it together, even though both sides parents suspected it and tried to keep us apart, we just stuck together regardless of their judgements.
In my present relationship, I realised after a dream of my ex last night, that I don't feel that security with my present partner. She doubts herself, and everytime her parents attack her character then she doubts herself. She says she doesn't know when she will be ready to come out. Also when her parents ateck her emotionally she then feels obliged to make them happy and will do what they say, even though she knows they treating her like this because of me...where as the ex, would just say, " Hey man my mother is acting crazy again!!" And not give in to the manipulation....

Now this makes me feel insecure. I dont know whether I should just be patient (although its already been two years) or what else can I do to solve this? I love her dearly, but her insecurity makes me feel insecure please, I hope this even made sense

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Kelly and thanks for posting. It sounds as if you're more likely to stand up for yourself, your gf and your relationship, and that this is frustrating you - right?

It may be unfair to expect your gf to respond to her parents in the same way you respond to yours. While you may see her parents' manipulation quite clearly, she's the one who actually experiences this. And she responds to them in accordance with the manner in which she was socialised by them. To expect her to react differently while she's still living with her family may be a bit harsh. Quite possibly she's feeling even more powerless and frustrated than you are.

The context is that both sets of parents suspect something and you're very clear about them cutting off financial support if they're confronted with your sexuality too directly. Which kind of closes the door to either of you coming out. At the same time, you describe your relationship very positively. It would be sad if you allowed either set of parents to destroy the relationship, so how about you continue as before until your circumstances change?

Be aware of unfairly setting your partner up by expecting her to choose between you and her parents. Don't try to distance her from her parents, rather focus on trying to strengthen her relationship with you. And let her know how you feel but don't blame her when she submits to her parents.

Please keep posting Kelly.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kelly | 2007/05/13

Thank you so much Nikki,

Your replies are always so insightful. I agree with what you have put forward, I need to find security within myself. You asked what happened to ex? I left her, because I was hanging with new friend who said that God is the only way..I was ignorant, i thought that no one would accept us because it truly is wrong. I had a moral argument within myself and decided to end it with her. But I have grown alot since then and have accepted who I am now.

Thanks for all your advice.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/05/10


Sadly it will make you feel insecure but then you need to accept that your new partner is NOT like your former partner.

Most gay relationships suffer that sense of insecurity because of the way gay people are NOT supported by society and their families.

You need to be there for her if you feel that she is insecure and make her realise that she can depend on your emotional support if nothing else. Both of you need to play it "safe" until you are more independend and not relying on the material support of your parents. Problem is that one can always overcome the material support (roof over your head etc) but the emotional support one needs from one's family may never materialise unless you deal with that issue head on.

Being gay is not a choice and more and more families are moving away from that stigma attached to being gay.

THere are a load of options you can look at to make things easier.

Your ex (what happened to her?) was strong enough to deal with attacks and you had a sense of security with her. It would seem that you now need to find your own security and be strong enough for yourself and your new partner.

Good Luck

Reply to Nikki

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