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Question
Posted by: Candice | 2005/01/04

Confused

I need some help. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years we have a 9 month old baby boy and we are currently staying together.

We are having some issues. We are constantly fighting -swearing and hitting each other and it always seems to be about money. He can't seem to keep a stable job and always has seems to have these big ideas about making money and he never seems to follow through with it. He hasn't paid the rent for the house for the last 2 months our childs creche fees hasn't been paid for the last 2 months. I have stable job and earns a basic salary and commission. My basic salary covers my car (which I need for work as I am a rep) My insurace and credit card bill that was run up when I was on maternity leave as he was not working most of time - It covered the rent etc. By the way we were evicted from our previous place, due to the rent not being paid on time. I've caught him using drugs when I was on maternity leave. I have stayed by my parents for last month - as I am unambe to contribute anything towards food and rent while staying with my boyfriend. He accuses me of having affairs with other men. I am on antidepressants. I don't know if I still love him or if it is just a bad habit. Somedays I think about ending the relationship but I'm also not sure of how to deel with sadness. He says that he loves me and will try to make things better, I've made an appointment at FAMSA but he decided not to go with.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

To be constantly fighting and even hitting each other is surely a sign of a troubled relationship, but you don't need me to tell you that. SOunds like he is not very competent in making or handling money, and tends to dream of great money-making schemes rather than making or carrying out, realistic plans. Frankly, he does sound like a bad habit, and maybe a habit worth breaking. It doesn;t sound like he adds any value to your life, financially or emotionally, and if he has refused to join you in counselling at FAMSA, then he doesn't want things to change or get better.
Maybe the drug use is the key fault here, and a basis for most of the other problems, and maybe he is scared to see any counsellor or therapist because they would obviously suggest that he stop laying round guzzling drugs, and that he actually stand up, pretend to be a man, and get a job --- any job, at first, and start supporting you and the child.
Aren't you better off staying with your parents for the time being ? You're scared of "the sadness" if you leave him --- but what would you be feeling sad about ? Maybe about facing the fact that he never has been, and never will be, the man you hoped he'd be, so sadness at giving up a pleasant but highly unrealistic dream ? Surely not sadness about losing someone who abuses and hits you, or drugs his way through money instead of being supportive ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: jupiter | 2005/01/05

Hi candice!

Reading your mail was a mirror image of my previous relationship..

We courted for several years and were engaged at one point...He kept his drug addiction from me for years...

The only good thing that came out of the relationship was the most beautiful little boy (now 2) that could walk the face of this earth..

I tried everything to make him change. Got him a job (did not last), supported him financially, was as patient as possible to no avail...

I found out that he was unfaithful and had used drugs again...When I confronted him he abused me terribly...Verbally and physically..I ended up with a black eye.

To cut a long story short I finally plucked up the courage to leave him.

Girl...Your son and you are far better off without a man like that! His attitude will not change and if he is not willing to see a councilor then it is best you move on...The sooner you move on and let go of your bad habit the sooner you will be happy...

It is not as bad as it seems when you are alone...If you surround yourself with people you love it will make the healing process so much easier and accelerated.Besides, your son will benefit in the long run..I know mine has..

GOOD LUCK AND HAVE A GOOD YEAR!!! (WITHOUT HIM!)
jen

Reply to jupiter
Posted by: ec | 2005/01/05

Hi Candice-i can add nothing more as CS and Lady Nina said it all! it's good advise and all i can do is hope you make the right decision for your life and that you'll have the strength to follow it through. you deserve the best there is and you can do without the abuse. try and reduce your debt and remind yourself daily that you deserve better and make it better for yourself! take it one day at a time. Good Luck and all the very best for 2005!

Reply to ec
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/01/05

hi girl

you are being taken for a ride and oh what a joy ride he must have ....

speaking from experience - he will, can't, won't change so you only have 2 options, you can make peace with the way he behaves and mother him for the rest of your life and starting over everytime he loses it or you can kick him out and take control and start getting your life together so you can provide your child with the security and stability he needs,

i was in exactly the same situation and now after 4 years i can not tell you how together our lives are - i have a home, stable job and peace and self confidance i never had while involved with him - oh don't get me wrong we had wonderful times but over time i lost respect for him and could trust him to take responsibility for me and the kids

you are being abused and you don't even know it and you think you are the one at fault here - no more girl - love yourself enough so get out of this sick relasionship - the thing that gave me the strengh to walk out was the realisation that me girls grow up thinking its normal to be abused and to move every year to another school and house, they though it normal to always have nothing and see mom and dad shouting and screaming - no girl we as mothers are responsible for our kids and have to protect them from any kind of abuse, we have to give them security and stability and lead by example

keep us posted

nina

Reply to lady nina

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