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Question
Posted by: Grey | 2003/12/19

Confused

I really need help, my husband had an affair about 18 months ago, when I found out, I was ready to kick him out, but decided that deep down I still loved him. Now I dont trust him and doubt him all the time. We end up have arguments about the whole affair issue. I just cant seem to let go, and to me he cannot understand how I feel, I feel insecure and frightened that he will be doing this to me again. The whole thing ended up turning nasty at his work and he got victimised, I now suffer from depression and really not in the mood to do anything, my kids are really suffering the most through all this mess.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Grey,
From the sound of it, you need and deserve at least two types of help --- see a shrink for an asessment and treatment advice, but you need to clarify if you are indeed suffering from a Depression ( in which case some medication might help ) and the two of you need to get involved in proper marriage counseling ( a la FAMSA ) to work out the problems you have been facing. It is possible, and very well worth it., for all of you

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: charlie | 2003/12/21

I think Emma has given you excellent advice that you should earnestly take to heart.
I believe no one can truly get over a spouse or a close loved one cheating or betraying them in some way or the other, no matter how much you love and care for them. Its just a matter of BEING HUMAN. As the wise saying goes "you can forgive but can't forget". I can imagine you caught up in an emotional bubble of a whole lot of mixed feelings of hurt from his betrayal as well as love for him as husband to you and father to your children.This has got to be really difficult for you!

I really do believe that couselling will help very much. If he cares enough for you and the kids he must do his very best do make it work. If he can't do his best, then he doesn't deserve you. Cos when one invests their love,heart, soul and life in marriage with another, they deserve the best from their spouse and should do their best in return.

All the best. I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
If you feel comfortable sharing with us what you eventually decide to do about your situation, it will be very nice.
Cheers!

Reply to charlie
Posted by: Emma | 2003/12/20

I'm so sorry. There are very few people that are able to get over such an ordeal. How did you find out? I'm afraid a spouse who has an affair is not doomed to do it again, but it does show a considerable amount of lack of respect and love for you on his part. Do you love him enough to spend the rest of your life with a man who does not love you to the same degree? It is so easy to say "just leave him", but I know once you love someone, it's not that simple.
Even the bible says that the only reason a spouse is allowed to leave the other is due to infidelity. Even God knows that such a deed is difficult to forgive and forget, so don't be to hard on yourself for
not getting over this. I'm not sure you ever will.

There are few things your husband needs to do if he wants you to stay.

Firstly, he needs to realize that if he wants you to get over this terrible ordeal, he is going to have to put up with your insecurities and "you not trusting him". It comes with the territory of having an affair in the first place.

He will have to shower you with love, no exceptions.

He needs to acknowledge his mistake, over and over and over, "until" you believe the words coming out if his mouth. Does not matter how long it takes. He is not to tell you how long it should take to get over this. You'll do it in your own time, when you really feel safe and satisfied.

Counseling will be very useful. I have never gone myself but two of my friends have, and it seems to have improved their marriage.

There is no good enough reason for ever having an affair. He must know that. At no stage is he allowed to "play dumb". If he goes down that road make sure to let him know that if it continues, you are on your way out. Men love to play the fool. It is such an easy way out.

How did you find out about this affair, and did he make excuses for it?

Reply to Emma

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