Posted by: Cee | 2003/12/03


I wonder if anyone would be able to give me some advice about the following. Last week I met a guy at a party and we got on well. We were both drinking and I guess had one glass too many. We disappeared for a few hours and had sex(protected). I have never slept with a guy that I have only known for a few hours! Anyways I dont regret sleeping with him coz I wanted to. We obviously exchanged numbers and were supposed to meet the following day after the party but coz of circumstances beyond his control he didnt show up. But at least he called and apologised. Sunday night my cousin had a braai party and she invited the guy obviously have seen that him and me got along so well.He came to pick me up and we went to the party. this is probably boring some of you but I want you to know where it all started before I get to the real issue. Anywayz the braai went down well and nothing happened this time. He called me Monday morning and took the out for lunch. Now there I was thinking that I have found the perfect guy coz in all these other occassions he seemed sweet and made me think that sleeping with him the first day wasnt that bad. Anyways yesterday we had a date but then he also had a party at his workplace and obviously came late for our date plus the other thing was he was drunk. He apologised and I accepted his apologies & we went out for a drive at around 11. When we got back to my flat I didnt want to invite him in coz I promised myself that I wanted to take it slow this time and just let things develop without any rushes or anything. So we set in his car and talked and started kissing. Now thats when the problem started. He wanted to sleep with me again but I was not in the mood . He made it an issue(big) and said that we should just let things be and I mustn't put any conditions in our relationship. He said he felt used and rejected coz I said no. He said he wasnt going to force himself on me but kept moarning about being used and that all that shit. I ended up losing it because I didnt understand what he meant about being used and all that. I told him he has to understand that the fact that we slept on the first day doesnt mean that I will sleep with him every time I see him. Other thing is I told him that we can make out but that does not mean we have to go all the way. I can control myself and know where to draw the line and if he cant then that called tough. I really liked this guy and dont know if I still do and I really dont know what to say to him today. Hes been trying to call but then I am not answering my phone. Maybe I many so many expectations and thought that he would be a perfect gentleman. Iam confused coz I was beginning to like him and part of me wants to dump him but the other part still wants to give it a try. When we talked last night he didnt seem to understand where I was coming from and probably didnt want to understand. Could somebody tell me what to do with this guy. should I dump him or what. I mean he cant expect me to sleep with him everytime we make out. How stupid can that be. Would appreciate any advice before I talk to him

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Cee, you've run into one of the disadvantages of sleeping with someone on the first date, and of getting too drunk at parties ! You confused him, even if it was unplaned, by giving him mixed messages. Stick to the one message you really mean, and take it from there. If he only wants to see you for sex, then he has revealed his real expectations, and you don't really need him, if what you now say about wat you want from a relatonship, is so. If he cares and can respect your feelings, he'll adapt.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Cee | 2003/12/03

Thank u for all your replies!

Well I have spoken to him and he's apologised for his behaviour yesterday but we havent really talked about the next step of this relationship. Somehow what he did yesterday really pissed me off and I think it will take a lot for him to prove to me that he is better than that. He even came by to work during my lunch (only saw him for 5 minutes coz I was busy) to apologise in person but somehow I dont think his apologies arent good enought coz I somehow know that what happened yesterday is going to happen again. Oh maybe Iam just being silly, I should just try to move on and let yesterday not interfere with whats ahead. Iam so confused!!!!!

Reply to Cee
Posted by: Just wondering | 2003/12/03

You had a mutual feeling for sex the first time-so now he feels used etc etc. Shame about that but don't let him bully you with this psycology. Maybe you should have a good think about whether you want to spend more time with this person as already he makes an issue of things and that on your second date! And just maybe he drinks too much!

Reply to Just wondering
Posted by: gasguy | 2003/12/03

J is right. the girl he met is now not the girl he is trying to date. A bit difficult, its a bit late to start adding morals on the guy you slept with at a party, no wonder he is confused. how would you feel if he became a different person after the fact, and the names you would be calling him for using you and then moving the goal posts. best you try and work it out somewhere in the middle, I think you need to conceed of few of these newly materialised morals.

Reply to gasguy
Posted by: J | 2003/12/03

Its not really his fault expecting you to be the same as you were the first night you met. You behaved in a way that led him to believe that you were open to having sex with no strings attached. But then you changed it. Granted - you have spoken to him and explained that it wasnt something you usually do and he should accept it and decide wether to continue a real relationship with you. You need to make it clear that you will not change your mind (he might be hoping you will) and let him take it from there.

Reply to J

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