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Posted by: Singleagain | 2003/03/04

Confused

Hi
About a month ago my girlfriend broke up with me after 1.5 years. We had a good relationship but a situation got me to creep intop my own shell and i was a bit slack in showing emotion towards her. Shortly after we broke up my situation got better and I could show emotions again and do things with her that a guy is suposed to do, so I tried getting her back with letters and poems and promising it would be different, she would in turn one day say no and the next say yes she is thinking of coming back. She even had her best friend work as liason between me and her. Anyway this went on for a month and then her mother phoned me and told me she has someone else now and so on and so forth. Now the funny thing is I still love her and do want her back. I dont eat I cant sleep i keep thinking about her and its driving me mad. I get depressed every now and then when I hear a song or see a tv programme, anything that reminds me of her. My stomach jumps when my phone rings thinking it might be her etc. I am just tired of feeling like this, and i have done all i can to win her back so its obvious she is not coming back, but I still cant and dont want to stop trying, i keep thinking she will come back. What do i do? How do I cope with this. i have lost 6kgs in 1 month of not eating. My health is going backwards and all this because of a woman. Please help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear singleagain,
As you'll notice if you read our Forum regularly, and check out our Archive, this is one of the commonest problems we hear about --- not only the sadness and pain of separating from someone you loved, but the extreme difficulty some people have in letting go of a relatonship that is over.
art of it is perhaps Denial, a reluctance to face the fact that it is over ; and a fear that if you acknowledged that it is over, this would somehow guarantee that the afair is finally finished ; but that so long as you continue to agonize over it, maybe things might work out. Actually, it doesn't work that way. It's over when it's over, and then agonizing about it is pure pain without any of the useful functions pain may have at other times.
Just as the commonest problem investors have financially, is their failure to sell shares that once seemed like a great idea but now turn out to be worth very little ; so it is in emotional investments --- people are too reluctant to admit that they made a bad investiment, however good the intentions may have been, and to sell out and re-invest their love and energies in a relationship with genuine prospects.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Over-Heartache | 2003/03/05

Listen, no woman is worth your pain... I am a woman by the way!

I know exactly what you are going through... I've been there and in many ways still feel that pain! I loved the man who promised me the world and then walked out of my life without looking back. He hasn't moved on and niether have I but I realised a long time ago that going back, will never be the same at it was! We love each other but we would rather live apart than re-live the past!

Stand up, look at your life, realise that you are a very special person with many wonderful qualities and who is she to keep you in this limbo? Does she deserve you? Did she hold your hand and re-assure you when you were at your lowest point in your life? To me, it doesn't look like she did, she stuck in there when you were down but the second your life was back on track she kicked you in the teeth... NOT fair!

Take a deep breath, look out the window... see the sun shining, the birds singing and the people going about their own day and see that life goes on...

Let me tell you something, I recently lost a dear little friend to cancer... he was 11, beautiful in every way and perfect in everything he ever did or said! This little boy struggled through every day with a smile on his brave little face, and even when things got as bad as they possibly could get near the end... all he wanted was to feel the rain on his face for one last time! The sun shone so brightly on the day he passed away and on the day we buried him the sun shone even more brightly through the shower of rain that came down as we sang him into peace...

I know this is nothing like you are going through but my little friend was brave enough to face everyday... why can't you?

Reply to Over-Heartache
Posted by: confussed | 2003/03/04

hi there confused i was in the similar situation not long ago but since last year i had to fail my exams to realise that i was really loosing my self over some oen who doesn't love me so please man stop moppign around fell soory for ur self life is to shorth to that

what if somethign happens to u tomorrow, u will say i wish i did that and that and by the time it will be to late please brother move its clear she doesn't what u meant to her its not there any more
i know its hard to love someone and don't get ur love in rertun. or seening someone u love , love somebodie else.

bye wish good luck on searching for the real u the one that is not ruled by love , u where happy at first without her u will be happy again with her in ur life u just have to trust in ue self.

GOODLUCK

Reply to confussed
Posted by: TCK | 2003/03/04

I find it interesting that so many of us have so little control over our feelings. Life is about survival, and while that does not mean one should ignore your feelings, sometimes you need to, in order to continue with life, and in time the wounds heal and you find yourself able to love again.

Maybe it will be easier for you to go on, once the realisation sinks in that the relationship is indeed a thing of the past. In order for this to happen you need to put all her photos away, not listen to music you shared, not go to the places you visted often. See this as an opportunity to restart a big part of your life, to meet new people and have new expertiences.

I think you need to take each day at a time, systematically filling your life with new things. Go out with your friends and flirt with a clean conscience, start gymming, etc. The gymming should also help with your bad eating habits.

Just don't sit at home and feel sorry for yourself!

Good luck and I hope you get through this soon. I know what it's like!

Reply to TCK
Posted by: KL | 2003/03/04

I'm no expert, but I can feel your pain. Your feelings towards this woman are quite intense. But I can tell you one thing, no amount of begging will get her back, if she doesn't want to come back. She did lead you on when you were most vulnerable, but I really think you should take a step back and look at yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror, and remember what a wonderful guy you are. Someone out there is bound to realise that. Your pain is real and acceptible. You have to go through a sort of mourning period after a breakup. But it's up to you how long this period will last. The power lies within you. You're in control of your actions, and no one else. No one has that much power over you, unless you give it to them.
So take back your power, take charge of your life. You go boy!

Reply to KL

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