Posted by: lee | 2008/01/15

concerned over feelings

I'm very concerned about myself right now. I'm bottling up nasty feelings - I have no where to go with them and cannot talk to anyone about it. These feelings are starting to consume me and I just cant seem to think positive or nice thoughts anymore. I'm really upset and angry that my mother in law is living with us. I really try to get along, like her, accept her, be a nice person etc. but underneath I just hate it and dont know how I'll ever get used to it (its been 2 years now). I'm now getting angry inside at my husband because he plays no part in her wellbeing - phsycologically or otherwise - just turns a blind eye and a deaf ear knowing that I'll take care of everything. He's lazy, untidy, inconsiderate and selfish and these thoughts are now beginning to occupy my thoughts more and more and its making me so unhappy and miserable and bitter. My husband hates anything to interfer with his little happy life and he can just switch off, ignore any problem and continue to sit on his ass watching the tv. He never fixes anything in the house which needs fixing and would just leave it to fall apart - who cares. I like being busy but I'm just finding it so hard to cope with a full time job, house to run inside and out and a mother in law to have to contend with on a daily basis - she drives me mad and always comes to me with all the problems (which are most of the time not even problems, just stupid unnecesary nagging in my ear because she has the whole day to think up things to complain to me about - she is a real drama queen). She knows she cant do it to my husband because he wont even listen to her. I just dont like the person I'm becoming and I'm worried that I'll turn into this miserable, bitter unhappy person.

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Our expert says:
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Well, lee, as I keep pointing out, CBT counselling is excellent for clarifying and changing persistently negative and unhelpful habits of thought. From the sound of it, marriage counselling might be a wise idea, to get your husband to recognize what a burden he has placed on you, and how essential it is that he plays a much larger role in caring for his own mother. Interesting that you have noticed that a drama queen always needs an audience, and as your husband just switched off and provides her with no satisfaction when she plays the drama --- maybe that's an example you could follow while working on those other fronts to sort out the larger problem.
And Tango's ideas are excellent --- helping to find other occupations for her to use up her energy and drama ( any hope of finding a local Drama Society she could act in ? ) ---and sharing the burden with other family members if there are some/

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Our users say:
Posted by: lee | 2008/01/15

Many thanks for your comments - I really need to vent my frustration out somewhere about this. All the comments are useful - thanks for that and thanks for taking the time to read my problem. By the way, the rest of the family are as selfish as my husband and have palmed the problem off to us which in turn has been palmed off on to me. They simply dont care about anything except their own lives and their mother plays no part in that. What worries me is that they have no compassion - I mean its their mother!! I'm trying to have compassion - its definitely not coming from the heart where I'd like it to come from, but its the only compassion thats available. Her children are ungrateful, thoughtless, selfish, cruel and greedy - the whole lot of them and unfortunately I can see myself becoming like them with these thoughts and feelings which I have. If everyone would just do their bit it would make things so much easier

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Posted by: Tango | 2008/01/15

I think firstly, get your husband out of the house to a coffee or dinner date and talk things out. Explain how you are carrying too much of a load and how you want him to help. Explain exactly your bottled up feelings and you starting to resent his uninvolvement.

Is there not some other things for your MIL to get involved in? She is proberbly so bored. Church Ladies group / tea etc.

What about the other family members on your husbands side taking her also for a bit so the two of you can have some private time. Even a long weekend or holiday away.

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