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Question
Posted by: Confused | 2006/11/06

complicated relationship - breakup

I am feeling very low and tired today. I have been in a relationship with a guy for 6 years now. When we started the relationship i knew he was married. he said he was "unhappily" married and so at that stage i felt that it was ok to be there for him. As you can guess he is still married and here is me still being "the other woman"- as a reader u must be shaking your head in disgust but i genuinely felt that he loved me. Two years into our relationship I found out that his wife was pregnant. When i confronted him he said he couldnt tell me cos he didnt want to hurt me. i believed him and we stayed together. It has been difficult during the years - i always felt and still feel insecure about my place. i know that common sense that i should have ended it years ago already but i just find it so difficutl to do it. A month ago I found out that last year he formalised his marriage by getting a registration done at home affairs. (He always told me that they were only married in Church) This was the second big thing he kept from me. When i asked him about it he said that he did it for the baby. so i believed him and he told me that he cant live without me and that things will work out for us.

This weekend was very bad. I keep going back to the fact that he is doing things without telling me and the registration of his marriage without him telling me about it is still getting to me.

The other thing is that he has a job but not a well paying one. I often give him money to "make ends meet". I always pay for things when we go out - in all that time he only paid for things the first two times we went out. I have never been given a birthday gift, not even a R5 chocolate! i always remember his birthday and always do things to make him feel special and cared for.

the other thing that gets to me is that he obviously only calls me on weekdays, during working hours. The weekends if he is not working I dont hear from him at all! then come monday morning he carries on as if nothing happened.

I have tried breaking up with him in the past but all that means is that we dont talk for a few days then when he calls i get so happy to hear him that i say sorry. he always says he loves me. it looks like he is living his life and while all i do is wait for him to call!

Today i told him that the relationship is over. he says that he cant live without me and that he will kill himself. I just cant handle this anymore -- the stress of this is getting to me. my health is suffering. what i dont understand is that if i am doing the right thing why does this hurt so much! I know that it was wrong to continue / start the relationship but i feel so depressed at the moment. How should i be strong and not give in when he calls?

Any advice will help.
Thank you for reading this. I know i have did the wrong thing but how do i move one...?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he truly was unhapilly married, then he should have worked on the marriage with a marriage counsllor, and got things right --- he should NOT have started a selfish affair with you. People who genuinely love ANYBODY don't do what he did. He has been totally selfish and has used you and lied to you from the very start. He wil NOT leave his wife and his child. You know that already.
STOP giving him money, and move on, to find a man who actually DOES love you and will treat you with the espect this guy has never shown you. See a counsellor if you need help to achieve that. Ignore his lives. If he really coudln't live without you, he would long agp have divorced his wife and would have been married to you. He likes the free sex and the gifts of money.


The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: confused | 2006/11/06

Dear Kat
thank you for your encouraging advice - i am definitely going for counselling. i appreciate your time.
(A Little less) Confused

Reply to confused
Posted by: xxx | 2006/11/06

You are really stupid... get yourself another life because he will never ever leave his wife.... he is saying all this so you can and will always be the other woman. You feeling sorry for him... his a dammm player and he knows how to play you

Reply to xxx
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/06

hi girl please listen to me you need to go fro counseling to understand why you would put up with beeing second best you need to break away from this guy but you need the help to do so, he is useing you in every way and you are letting him do so. i think counseling would help coz you realy need the help to stay away and understand why you allowed yourself to be treated this way for so long. he will never leave his wife NEVER and that is a fact he is making you look like a fool. dont let him do this to you. funny how now having being there you realise that being with a married man is actually quite complicating and not as simple as you thought. its ok and its not to late to fix it and please ido not give him another cent of your money. and he must not call you again. if he cant respect your choice then you will have to tell his wife, or at least tell him that.

Reply to kat

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