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Posted by: Letizia | 2004/10/20

Communication

I'm having a problem with my partner. He is 58 years old, excellent businessman but seems to me very stressed during the last month and taking it out on me. Anything I say or do is never right no matter what it is. And I don't know how to handle this. We have been together 4 years now and living together for 4 months.An example of this is, this morning I simply said that he could pay the doctor with a bank transfer or give me a cheque to take to her on Monday when I'm seeing her. He blew at me basically saying do I think he is stupid he knows how to may accounts, etc, etc. I don't know how to handle this. Just the other day I bought a plant for the garden, it wasn't the right colour it wasn't the right height. I'm desperate I love him so much and I don't know what to do.Please help me

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Our expert says:
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Try talking it over with him, not in an argument, but at a time when you're relaxed together. Ask him if things are being especially stressful for him at work, and how you can help. Explain that you feel he is being extra stressed lately, and feel awkward because when you try to help, it has seemed to annoy him.
And remember almost all of us find it takes time, when we've grown very used to living alone, to start living with someone else ; and at 58 we're more rigid and slower to adapt to new situations.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/10/20

It's possible that he is taking time to adjust to living with someone again. I gather that he lived alone for those 4 years you were seeing each other.
Couples do go through an adjustment phase and a kind of power phase, and previous relationship baggage also starts coming to the fore. Like maybe his ex wife use to nag him about paying debts and his reaction was based on the feeling he used to get.
Stress and work, a new environment, and possibly less quiet time, alone for him is taking it's toll.
Talk with him about how you feel when he talks to you the way he has, and express how it makes you feel. Hopefully he will be receptive, but don't fall into a rut where you allow him to belitte you and where you end up having to defend every decision you make.
very few relationships are plain sailing when it comes to sharing living space.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/20

Hi Letizia,

You are going thru a bit of a rough time, but know that you can get past it. Can I assume that in these 4 years you guys were together that you hardly lived together, & in all this time he was living alone? If this is so then the answer to this seems quite simple to me. He may be getting the feeling that his "space" is no more his. Hope that makes sense to you?
May I ask if you guys made a mutual decision to live together?
If so then I would suggest that even though you may feel it difficult at the moment, the best way to get thru this is communication.
Have a sit down with him, be open & honest, be supportive as well. You may just find that business may be taking it's toll on him as well. It takes hard work to be good at what you do, & when you don't get the results you desire it is frustrating.
Maybe your'll can also decide who takes which responsibility of what things there needs to be taken care of at home.
Maybe your'll can agree to share some home decisions.
Hope you can see that I'm trying to show you that you will only really know if you communicate. Timing & attitude is very important so make consideration of that when you decide to tackle the issues.

I am sure CS will suggest more direct methods of approaching this situation. Don't despair Letizia, hang in there, & maybe allow him his outbursts when he does, but just walk away. When he asks just suggest to him that you don't like it when he treats you like that...

Good luck,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun

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