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Question
Posted by: LSM | 2003/12/08

Commitment phobic men

Hi,
I have just got out of an 8 yr relationship because my fiance was not prepared to marry. he apparently is not the marrying kind! I have started to see someone again - its quite casual still but the signs are there that he too is extremely commitment phobic.
What is about me that attracts these kind of men that don't want to commit and are emotionally detached. I obviously have got a pattern going here and i would like to break it. I don't think its possible that I am attracted to them on a subconscious level because I too am scared of commitment. So what could it possibly be.??

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Our expert says:
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Dear LSM,
Its probably not something specific about you ( like the perfume you wear ) that attracts the committment phobic man ; but probably you haven't been very skilled at identifying them early on within a relationship ( raher than letting things drift for 8 years before recognizing him for what he was ). Obviously, many of the pro-committment men are already, well, committed ! So more of those who are scared of or not yet capable of committments, will be among the pool of unmarried and uncommitted men. A counsellor would be able to work with you in detail, to examine these experiences, to see what signs you may have missed, what ways you could clarify the guys intentions and capabilities, earlier on.

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