Our expert says:
Couples counselling may be a eally good idea, to help you both to understand yourselves and each other, rather better.
You may be talking at cross-purposes in several respects. Firstly, he is saying that he cannot change his essential nature. THough that may be true, he can change how he expresses and exercises that nature, far more than he thinks. Its about changing one's behaviour when it is causing problems, rather than reconstructing one's bones.
It is annoying when people who are behaving selfishly and badly towards others, excuse themselves saying " That's just how I am" like a tiger protesting that it's unfair to complain that its not vegetarian. Often what is being complained about is unkind and thoughtless begaviour towards others and an utterly self-centred approach, which indeed can and should be changed.
But then I also wonder whether you assume the same meaning to terms like "committment" ? It appears that you and he, both coming from previous hurtful broken relationships, are reacting in contrasting ways.
You see "committment" as providing security and comfort for both of you ; he sees it as providing risk. The more impatient you get about wanting it NOW, the more anxious and fearful he gets about feeling it will just make things worse.
This is where skilled counselling can make a real difference.
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