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Posted by: Marlbora | 2007/05/21

Coming out HELP!!!!!!!

Guys im totally confuse regarding this issue. I know its a personal thing to come out and i do respect all your previous thoughts about this.<br>What i really would like you guys to help me with is to tell you stories about coming out or those who are still in the closet please tell me what happend i dont think all of the stories have happy endings. My bf is an black south african and he has tell me straight away that he will never come out to his family. I dont havew a problem with that all. Im just in a cross road and your experience will help me

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi again Marlbora and thanks for posting. Prejudice often sits in layers, like trifle - and race, gender, class, age and sexual orientation are often inclined to gang up together.

Also hi to Steve and a warm welcome to the forum. It sounds as though you're in a particularly tough space. I'm chuffed that you're seeing a counsellor - keep at it, even if it feels as if you've hit a difficult patch in the process. You're entitled to your life, the way you want or need to lead it - which may require making a few uncomfortable decisions in the future.

Please keep posting - I hope we'll hear lots more from you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/05/23

Steve. Therapy sometimes takes a long time. Me, I have been seeing my therapist for three years now, and although the visits became less frequent, and sometimes months pass without a visit, one tends to build a relationship of trust with the therapist and he/she becomes a friend (even though you pay for it). Sometimes I just talk about some rather mundane things, and only afterwards realize that it actually helped in some strange way. Keep on going, that is what they are there for and that is what they want to do. Keep well

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Steve | 2007/05/23

Thanks... Seeing the therapist again today... But lately I have the feeling that we are not really moving ahead anymore... We just cannot get over this wall!

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Ferny | 2007/05/22

Dearest Steve,

You know that if i could adopt you i would, without the slightest hesitation!!!

I feel for you so, so much. It is very hard for me to understand parents like you describe. I have difficulty enough as it is with my future son-in-law's parents, who at least still speak to him and to a certain extent even speak to my son.

Your unborn child is a HUGE factor in your decision to come out or not. I can understand that. It is easy for us all to give advice but as with anything, until we have walked in your shoes, we really cannot know what is best for YOU !!

Are you still seeing a therapist? I do think it is very important for you to be talking to someone who can help you sort out your feelings of desperation!! You cannot see the way forward clearly when you are feeling the way you are at the moment!

Please just know that i am thinking of you and sending tons of moral & positive support your way. Please keep in touch, coz we will all worry about you if we don't hear from you regularly.

Love and hugs - Ferny :-)

Reply to Ferny
Posted by: Steve | 2007/05/22

Lonewolf - I think you will probably know my situation very well... Deeve too... He knows what it is like... I did come out to a few people, and all of them, with the exception of my wife, were very supportive. My one cousin, the only family I came out to, was also very supportive... It will even be easy to come out to the rest of the family, but the closest ones are the biggest problem, my father being the biggest. I also suspect that my mother had thought, but that was completely thrown off the day I got engaged, and the day I got married. But as for me dying... What other choice is there? I cannot really give any of the love I have inside, I cannot really be happy, so what is the point of living? No, I'm not contemplating suicide, but rather murder of thoughts of being out, being free, being happy... Finding love....

But yeah, NatureFreak... Steve has to kill certain parts of himself, of his soul if he wants to keep this good home for his son, if he wants to keep peoples' faith...

Reply to Steve
Posted by: NatureFreak | 2007/05/22

Hi Steve

I am sure your child will bring you lots and lots of joy!

Please dont stop coming here and please keep us up to date.

We would really like to connect to the real Steve and prevent him from dying inside!

Reply to NatureFreak
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/05/22

Hi Steve. I agree with most of what you say, although my situation is not in all manners the same. My late father would have further ostracised me, than he did. I am sure he had his doubts about me and treated me very differently than my married brother who made a very big mess of his life, all his life. No matter what mess my brother was in, and at what cost, my father was always there to help and rectify, and pay for it, and I had to deal with life very much on my own. I suspect that my mother on the other hand does know, but refuses to acknowledge it to herself. I grew up in a classic Afrikaner church going family, where even the mention of the “pregnant” was unheard of. Some things were simply a taboo. I have been living a double life, with sad consequences, for such a long time, that I simply cannot imagine jumping out of the closet now. It is just not part of my frame of reference. I hate living like this, and believe me; one learns how to dodge all the awkward questions, how to lie, and how to deceive. But, I must say, the response from those family members I did came out to, had not been negative at all. Why I do not have the guts to finally just do it, remains a mystery. Maybe I respect my folk’s feelings and beliefs too much, even to the point where it detrimentally affects my well being and healthy state of mind.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Steve | 2007/05/22

I still find it unbelievable how you guys are alwyas so great with advice and so caring. Please don't take this the wrong way, I really appreciate it....<br><br>I know that I tend to think, believe that I have the biggest problem in the world, and I know it is not... I'm trying to make peace with what I have. Yes, inside I am dying, but I hope that this will be worth the cause. I hope that my child will bring me all the happiness I need to help me through this. <br><br>As for my parents, I've heard my dad say before what would happen if one of us would tell him that we are gay, I have seen how he has reacted towards some of my cousins that did eventually get the courage to come out... <br><br>He obviously believes it is evil, and from the devil, and although he cannot keep me from my child, he will spread stories and stuff to make life as difficult as he can. 2 months ago I was ready for coming out, but things have changed...<br><br>Thanks you guys, it really means a lot to me... If only ferny could adopt me as well... hehehe... You guys are really great!

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Gareth | 2007/05/22

Steve, it is easy to do what your dad did when it is people he doesn't know, but you are his son, and I can tell you now he will react differently. Also remember, people have been much more exposed to gays and gay lifestyles today than they were then, I mean, we can even marry now, so people's outlooks also change. Point is, it is your choice if you want to live without them knowing, or not. But being scared of how other people will react should not stop you from being happy and being who you are

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: NatureFreak | 2007/05/22

Hi Steve<br><br>Its nice to hear from you again! Was wondering how its going!!! Its sad to hear that your situation is at such a point! I hope you will find the right answers!<br><br>I dont think your family has the right to keep you from the child, whether they agree with who you are or not!<br><br>I know its harsh to say, but do you honestly feel that your family is NOT nasty now? They are after all causing you to lie about who you are and is forcing you to hurt the person closest to you at this point...not even mentioning your child which is on the way!<br><br>Coming out of the closet does mean that people will get hurt, but each person deserve to be FREE and content with themselves! The people that really loves you will stand by you, no matter what! Why go for second best....false love!<br><br>My parents were very conservative and I thought my dad will never speak to me again, until I reached the point where it did not matter, all that was important was for me to LIVE....2 years and 4 months later, my parents still love me and love my partner just as much as they did my ex-husband!!!<br><br>Please please be true to yourselves!!!!!!!!<br><br>

Reply to NatureFreak
Posted by: Steve | 2007/05/22

Gareth... My dad is the a very old afrikaner omie... Probably the biggest racist alive... He was one of those guys that went to clubs, let guys pick him up, go to their place, beat the living crap out of them, and then steal their stuff... And he thought it was justified just because they are moffies... He has the intelligence of a 5 year old in my opinion... There is no way that his mind will be able to understand and accept this...

Reply to Steve
Posted by: Gareth | 2007/05/22

Most of us thought that our families will NEVER accept it, and reject us, and make our lives hell, and most of us were surprised at how well they took it in the end.<br>Remember one thing, you are still their child, and they love you, so even though it might be difficult for them to accept it, they will still love you in the end. I was scared to death to tell my parents. But I took the plunge, because I wanted them to know me for me, and know who I really am. Of course it was difficult for them at first, and we went through the whole thing of fights, blaming, sadness, etc etc, but eventually acceptance. Today, they love me and my boyfriend and I think I am sorta the favourite child.

Reply to Gareth
Posted by: Steve | 2007/05/22

Hi Marlboro!

I hope you are well...

I am in a very similar situation as your BF, except for the fact that I am white. My family and parents will make it unbearable for me, and I will have to forget that I have family eventually. Sure, a few months ago I could have said to hell with them, I want to be happy, but things got complicated, I have a child on the way, and I know that they will do everything in their power to keep me and my bad influence from my child, even if it comes down to just being downright nasty... I don't know his situation, but I do know that it is not always possible to be true to yourself, and sometimes you have to make some sacrifices...

Reply to Steve

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