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Question
Posted by: Lovey | 2007/05/21

Cold/feelingless boyfriend

My boyfriend of 2 & half years is a cold, feelingless person.He say's its the way he was raised. I am tired of begging and crying and throwing tantrums and being extra nice just to see if I can't get some love. I've done it all and I've tried it all, he is just unable to hug and kiss and cuddle etc. He never sits with me or touches me, holds me anything. If I sit next to him or with him he'll let me but there is no contact from him to me, it's as if he tolerates me.

I need love, I can now understand that his first wife had an affair, I need to be held, loved and to feel needed. The only and I mean the only time he will touch me is when he want's sex which is lately hardly ever. He also never says he loves me. If he does something wrong and I fight with him he just doesnt speak to me for days.

I can honestly say nothing to him FUN! or NICE! or TASTEFULL or BEAUTIFUL! or AMAZING!. Everyday is the same boring day. Nothing impresses him or startles him or makes him laugh out of his chest. He's very emotionless. Maybe when he dated me he made a real effort or faked it I don't know. It's been 1 year since I received flowers. I try and cook the most amazing meals but I might as well have given something out of a tin. When I threaten to leave and pack my bags he just let me be as if it couldnt bother him what I do.

I even once said I wonder if i f-d another man in front of him if that would bring some feeling or emotion to him.

He doesnt want me to leave when I ask him do you want me to f-off? But he doesnt even attempt to try and change.

I can name countless things I've gone out of my way to do him ? Nothing. He just does his daily routine, which is as constant as nothing I know, day after day regardless of what I do or where I go or anything.

I cannot live this cold emotionless loveless silent life anymore.

Please help me. Counseling didnt help as the Psyciatrist did not understand him and how he was raised.

I just can't not be loved and held and hugged. I cannot stand when having an argument on the phone to have the phone put down on me and for him to not take my calls or answer any sms's afterwards. If i want to discuss it when we get home I get the silent treatment for days.

Is there anything that can save this relationship?
Do I cut m losses and move on ?
Can he at all love me ?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

If he is indeed a colf, feelingless person, he will NOT change without reasonably lengthy proper formal psychotherapy with a skilled local shrink, in which he sincerely and eagerly collaborates. YOu sound as though you actually formed a relationship with the guy you wanted him to be rather thasn with the guy he is, or assumed that he would transform himself from who he is to who you wanted him to be. That doesn't happen.
How could the shrink who apparently the pair of you saw for counselling, have failed to understand how he is and the influence of his childhood ? Excessively dumb shrink, or did neither your bf nor yourself clearly explain what you both know about this, to the shrink ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Blondie.. | 2007/05/21

..and he wasn't like this when you met?

My bf also faked his way into my heart, then when he turned back into his old cold self I could not leave him, kept hoping and waiting for that wonderful attentive and loving guy to come back..the man I fell in love with..

I have given him the third degree about how immature it is to pretend to be something that you are not, that really bugs him so now he is trying to be more loving and attentive..though we still have our days.

It does not sound as though you bf is even the slightest bit concerned about what you need from him.

He is not the man you fell in love with and obviously not even bothered by this 'betrayal' of your feelings.

Move on, pack your thing and get out..I bet married life will be even worse.

Reply to Blondie..
Posted by: sideways | 2007/05/21

As impossibly difficult as this may be, i would suggest a break. Take some time out to reassess the situation. See how you handle on your own and think hard about what you want, although I think you already have a clear idea. Perhaps when faced with a life without you he will come to his senses. If not, and you still feel the way you do about your needs then you will have to slowly move on.

Good luck. God bless.

Reply to sideways
Posted by: muffin | 2007/05/21

you sound extremely unhappy to me, and don't you deserve some happiness? Are you prepared to live like this for the rest of your life, possible have children with someone who is emotionless and may be like that to his kids?
The hardest part of ending a relationship is knowing you will be alone again for a while, and this may be holding you back, but just think, you may just meet someone who makes your heart sing, but that's not going to happen while you stay with this guy, who, lets face it, does not appreciate you at all and is not willing to give you any emotion that you clearly need

Reply to muffin
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/21

Oh deary, this is tough but its quite simple. Either you stay and accept him for exactly the way he is, or you leave and find exactly what you're looking for. You clearly cannot change the way he is and he hasnt made any effort to indicate that his willing to compromise in order to keep you happy. You know it's funny cause you say he used to be affectionate, whether he was acting or not is irrelevant, the point is he has shown you physical affection before, which means his intentionally denying you it now. You're crying, throwing tantrums, begging and basically humiliating yourself so that he can show you love, is all of this really necessary? If this man loves you and wants to keep you happy, he will do as you ask. Showing love is not supposed to be SO HARD if it means keeping the person that you love happy! Think about that and good luck for the future.

Reply to Joy
Posted by: Mama Mia | 2007/05/21

Well, you have to think if you really want to stay in a relationship where you are treated like this and what you want out of the relationship? Its hard to change people and this is obviously who he is. I take it he knows how you feel cause you have been to therapy, but it still has not worked. Maybe he does really love you, but does not know how to show you as he battles with showing emotion and if you the sort of person that really thrives on affection, then you have a decision to make.

Reply to Mama Mia

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