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Question
Posted by: kiki | 2004/10/29

codependance

Hi doc , I am so emotional . I am married , 26 , 2 kids and feel totaly dead inside , I read an article in , stepping stones my husband and I are on the edge of a divorce , ok I read an article on this site about codependance and I think I suffer from this , I feel dead inside and I want to study my degree - TO FEEL BETTER about myself , I will do things for other poeple all the time and still do not feel like I am alive , could this come from a father where I always felt that I should please - I am confused , my dad use to be a very hard and moody person a workaholic , and when he use to come home I would be like a little puppy , making tea for him and sitting with him , never realy knowing what to talk to him about , then I realy started to work very hard in school and did exceptionaly well , my dad was very pleased with me and from there things got worse , I actualy kiss the ground the man walks on(as an example) I have this continues feeling of rushing inside , I have to study I simply have to get a degree,my office is full of brosures of diffferent study courses , I want to study industrial eng because my dad is an engineer , now I am stuck with an alcoholic husband and I am so dead .... , do I suffer from codependence , my father and mother are divorced and I used to live with my mom , she started drinking afer the divorce and she sometimes left myself and my older sister alone at home , disapearing with her drunken friends , at the end I went to live with my dad (my sister was then finished with school and started to work) plse please help me , I feel so much pain inside and realy need help - thank you

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, kiki, Co-dependence is a theory not a proven fact, and it's a maladaptive way of behaving, not a disease. Wich is good news, as it is thus more easy to change, in counselling. What you see, to be describing is more like a learned pattern of subservient behaviour, and striving to please someone else, especially your dad, rather than to satisfy your own goals. It seems to involve a feeling that you have to earn respect by studying, rather than realizing how much respect you deserve simply for being the excellent person you already are.
Counselling / psychotherapy can help a great deal to sort this out, especially CBT, the Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy variety.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

3
Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/29

Thanx Kiki,

I apreciate your reply & must say that it does make it more clear to me. Please know that I really don't feel that I have much value to add here, but I will strongly suggest that maybe it's time you considered professional help seriously, on a one-to-one basis. Just please wait till CS responds as you've explained yourself quite well here for him to give a direct reply.

Personally, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be independant, & I also don't see much wrong in furthering your career & qualifications either. I do feel though that maybe, just maybe, you might have a strong desire to be recognised, & you search for this recognition could be driving you, &, as you say, making you make your kids do "funny" things.
I am just pulling straws here Kiki, but I do admire you for recognising that you may be not behaving appropriately, & wanting to correct yourself. You & your kids, maybe even your marriage, might be better coz you want to work this out.

I am sorry I wasn't able to add much value to your dilemna, but I do hope you get your answers. Patience is very important.

Thank you,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: kiki | 2004/10/29

Hi
This strong feeling to bettter myslef comes from the following , I want to study further to feel stronger about myself , then people will respect me , second reason is to be able to look after my children financialy better IF I decided to leave my alcoholic husband , I have this feeling inside that "everybody" needs me , for example , IF I decide to leave my husband I will rather make sure that I do not need maintanance from him I WILL DO IT MYSELF , I keep on loading myself . When I was still a little girl I saw my dad larger than God . Even now I want my kids to do funny things to make grand dad laugh , and when my sister's little girl is there (she is just adorable) and says funny thing I want my kids to do better , I wish this race can stop now , I wnat to live a happy life

Reply to kiki
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/29

Hi Kiki,

I just need to understand a little further, if you don't mind? Do you feel like you have this strong sense of achievement that you feel needs to be fulfilled? When you look at other aspects of your life & try compare them to your seemingly driving need to achieve higher, does it make you feel like why do you even bother, like is there really a purpose to achieving these things, thereby maybe giving reason to your feeling of nothingness?

I just would like to know as I wouldn't wanna say anything wrong, or totally out of context. Remember, you are under no obligation to respond.

Thanx,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun

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