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Posted by: ALWAYSBABY | 2004/10/28

CHILDREN

I HAVE TWO SMALL CHILDREN. THEY SEEM TO BE TAKING OVER MY LIVE. I NEVER HAVE TIME FOR MYSELF LET ALONE FOR MY MARRAIGE. I CANNOT GET MYSELF SO FAR TO ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO LOOK AFTER MY CHILDREN. I WORK FULL DAY SO IT SEEMS SELFISH TO LET THEM STAY WITH SOMEONE ELSE WHEN IT IS OUR TIME TOGETHER. WHEN I'M WITH THEM IT FEELS AS THOUGH I CANNOT GIVE ENOUGH OF MYSELF TO BOTH SO ONE OF THEM IS ALWAYS LOSING OUT. WHICH MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY. IT FEELS AS IF I'M ON A CONSTANT GUILT TRIP. MY CHILDREN IS NOT GETTING ENOUGH ATTENTION FROM ME AND MY HUSBAND GETS ALMOST NONE. BY THE END OF THE NIGHT I FEEL SO SPENT THAT I FALL ASLEEP WITH ONE OF THE CHILDREN. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO GET OUT OF THIS VICIOUS CYCLE

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear AB,
What they need is quality time, not time-when-mom-and-dad-are-stressed-ragged. So don't feel at all guilty about getting a good baby-sitter and taking one night or afternoon for yourselves, to unwind and recreate ; and you'll be all the better value when you get back to the kids. And similarly, each of you should take a little time just for yourself. And good advice all round from other readers.
Anyone else notice how Shaun's "2 cents worth"'s are always worth so much more than that ? Must be inflation.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/28

Hi AB,

Suggestion: would it not be possible, say maybe once a month, or maybe 2, that you arrange with relatives, or people you can trust, for a sleep-over? Then you & hubby can have alone time which is very important for your relationship.

It becomes a difficult situation coz you love them so much & don't like them to feel lacking in anyway. Your guiltiness probably makes this an even harder situation. But remember, you allow this.

They are also little people as well, & believe me they definitely have their own wants & needs as well. Sooner or later you will be forced to allow them to build their indivduality, but I hope you don't leave this for too long that your reltionship with hubby becomes neglected.

How about arranging a schedule? I mean, if you do something similar at work, like arranging schedules, why not use this skill at home as well, & you have the benefit of making it fun at home. Communicate this issue with hubby as there are two of you in this, & both should take equal responsibility. Besides, done the right way, these "duties" even help bring a family closer in a way they know in what ways they can depend on each other... Think about it AB.

I do wish you luck, but don't think of it as an unrecoverable situation. Make it your goal to bring fun into your evenings together. Hubby could even get started with supper by the time you get home... don't you think?

Thing is home should be where you want to return, not where you could become apprehensive about all the things that need to be done...

Just my 2 cents worth,
Take care & hang in there' Cheers,
Shaun

PS: Have you ever tried working hubby time in like say maybe early in the morning??? You be amazed... Oh & don't ever think of it as a chore, then you will be more tired. Kinda work it in so that you still have maybe an hour sleep before you actually have to get up. It even helps make the day look better... ofcourse that depends if you take the right approach.

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: CK | 2004/10/28

Hi, I also started experiencing the same problem, my mom used to stay with my kids (6 year old and 11 month old) and now they live wiht me and my husband and during the day the older one goes to nursery and my son has a nanny and we both work full time and I come home late around 18h45 if not later everyday and I am exhausted and at least my husband come home around 16h30 he gets to spend time with them, but I am telling you I get so exhausted that after we take them to bed around 20h30 if we are lucky, I just want to close my eyes and dont spend any time with my husband, and dont forget my son is sitll small he wakes during the night about 5 times for a bottle and I have to up at 05h30. So you are not the only one, try to spend as much time wiht them as possible and children uderstands and they can see, my 6 year old always take my shoes off as soon as I walk into the house and sometimes gives me a back rub.

Reply to CK
Posted by: Beyond Tired | 2004/10/28

You have to have time to yourself and you definitely need to start giving time to the hubby or you will loose him, yourself and the kids will suffer. Don't feel guilty for letting the kids stay by someone else but do explain to them that you love them very much and need to have some "Mommy" time because you are not helping them or yourself by being exhausted, the time you are spending with them now is not quality time, currenlty quantity, kids need quality. I have only 1 but believe you me she takes a lot out of me and I definitely need some quiet time sometimes and she is beginning to understand that. She knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love her and that is important. Emphasize your love but that you need your time is important.
Good Luck
Take Care.

Reply to Beyond Tired

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