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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2008/01/22

Child molestation survivor

Hi

I was between 5 - 8 years old when the gardener we had working for us molested me sexually. Im now 24 years old. My family never talks about it and i can only go on what i remember. I am certain that there was penetration and a whole lot of other terrible things. My problem is that i have now for the first time found myself in a potential long term serious realtionship and sex is inevitable. He lives overseas but we r soon to be going on holiday together. I have spent my entire existance pushing men away and i have had relations with other men but never a serious enough realtionship to have sex, i push them away before it gets to that point. I really like this guy and i want to sleep with him, I dont even know if im still considered a virgin or not. Do i tell him before we get there or do u think i should keep it to myself?

What do i do?
Thanking u

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Amazingly, some children experience such ugly episodes without remaining troubled by it, and others retain troubling concerns which cause them misery and limit their freedom to enjoy life. If your experiences have led you to fear sex and avoid relationhips, this deserves therapy to set you free. I believe CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) is the best way to do this, as analytical style counselling takes forever without achieving anything useful and could make things even worse. Its not useful to dwell in great detail on what precisely happened, as that's much less helpful than some people think --- what's needed is to look atthe assumptions and beliefs, etc., it has left you with, to what extent these negatively impact on your life, and to repair them
You are still a virgin in all senses that really matter, morally and psychologically, even if perhaps not in a strictly anatomical sense. Don't blame yourself for whatever happened to you, and get the help you deserve

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Funky | 2008/01/23

I know exactly how you feel - I'm also a child molestation survivor I was molested by my step father between the age of 2years old till I was 13 years old. I am now 26. I'm not sure about the "virgin" part physical and moraly. I would seriously try to get some counceling so that you don't carry this burden into any new relationships. My family also kept it very hush hush and the emotional trauma that I went through eventually caute up with me and destroyed my marriage (I'm now divorced). Subsequently I've been for councelling which did not cost me anything - this can be done through your church or Cape Mental health can assign someone to you. You've got nothing to be embarresed about you were a victom and your family should have been there for you. Best of luck to you and I hope you find the answeres you are looking for

Reply to Funky
Posted by: Hope* | 2008/01/23

Dear Worried, mentally you are still a virgin, even though maybe not physically.  The fact that your family does not talk about makes it sound as though you maybe feel its not allowed to be talked about. It was/is your body, mind and soul that was not only traumatised but also abused and used by a person not worthy of walking on this earth. In terms of pushing men away all the time is an after effect, another aftereffect is great promiscuity. Both reactions are not good but rather to be pushing men away than be promiscuous. But, also you are losing on the wonderful men who are out there, who are good people and who will never harm a child or anyone else.
If you love this man and would like to have sex with him, then I suggest you go for therapy, as you need someone to talk to. Psychologists have heard it all, nothing you can tell them will shock them. That's why I like my male psychologist so much. Its hard to tell when and if ever you are going to share this with your partner, maybe later, I dont know, discuss this with you therapist too.

Reply to Hope*

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