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Question
Posted by: Sugar | 2004/03/12

Child Accepting my Fiance

Hi All

I've been engaged to my fiance for about 3 months, the problem is my daugter of 2, doesn't seem to be accepting him. Sometimes it does seems like she accepts him, especialy when they play together, that only last for a short amount of time, but most overtimes she tells him to leave or go away and becomes very possesive and jelouse. What can we do to help the acceptince process?

It's hurting my fiance very much, because he doesn't know what to do and he love us both very much, he suggested giving her some time.

Please do you have any advice??

Thanks

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Sugar,
As someone once said, if a baby could talk, then while being weaned, he'd look up from the breast and say "How can you expect me to change the habits of a lifetime ?"
Soul describes it very well. Your daughter has been used to having you as her exclusive property all her life, and is reluctant ( initially ) to change this -- and maybe hasn't realized yet that she can share you with your fiance, without actually having any less of your love than before. So at first she can accept him as an occasional playmate. Chat with your fiancee, and reassure him that this has nothing to do with HIM --- if Father Christmas or the Easter Bunny looked like they were moving in with Mom, she'd be just as reluctant. He's right, too, about giving her some time --- she needs to get used to the ideas, of him being around, and of him being a bonus in the love-provision business, and not a rival.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Nolly | 2004/03/12

I've been in exactly the same situation with my 2 year old daughter. It really took a toll on my fiance as well because he was trying his outmost best to get her to accept him. It took a while , she suddenly became possessive of me, unfrtunately she's stil young and I could'nt really talk with her and discuss it,she cant even talk properly.She'd hand around me , and wherever I go she'd go with me. It took some time and we decided to do things together ( all 3 of us ) we'd travell together, he'll dribve and I'll sit at the back seat with her , sometimes I'll drive and then he can sit at the back seat with her. We tried to do almost everything to gether and the clinginess started to diminish because:
If you do things together ( 3 of you) she still gets that re assurance that mom is around and I feel safe and I can get her attention .
At the same time , she also acknowledges this stranger who is gradually becoming part of her mom.
She'll eventually be able to associate mom with him and still not feel threatened.
The longer she gets used to him , she wont even care if mom is around or not , she can actually identify and feel safe with the stranger ( him ) alone.
and if he gives her attention , then the deed has been done , you and your fiance will be competing againts who gets the most attention from her ( child). The playing together part with your fiance is a start, she is comfortable enough to play with him , give her time to adjust , dont rush her , soon she'll be where you want her to be . My daughter took about 8 months , now they are close than ever, best buddies so to speak. be patient , Give her time , these little people are only craving attention and feeling of being secure , they dont look beyond all that .

Reply to Nolly
Posted by: Soul | 2004/03/12

Hi

Your daughter is very possesive over you and feels like she's loosing you to him. She has had you to herself since the day she was born and now she has to share you with him. That's alot for a little person to handle.

I feel for your fiance as he seems to me to be trying and sometime it works and sometimes it doesn't. The fact that he suggested that you guys give her time says alot about his love.

I have a suggestion I don't know if it will work or help but anyway, maybe if the 2 of them spend some quality time together especially so that she can get to know him and in so doing can discuss you.
Maybe you can ask her why she feels the way she does.
Either way it's going to take some time it's a big adjustment for her and she does need time on this. She has to feel special in this relationship too.

That's just my opinion I hope I was somewhat helpful.
Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul

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