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Question
Posted by: Molly | 2007/08/13

Cheating friend

One of my VERY close friends' husband is cheating on her and I happened to find out about it. How do I tell her?? All of us (me, my husband, her and her husband) are very good friends and I dont know what to do!!!!

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Our expert says:
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Well dalt with by John and Maria. Infatuation is never any excuse

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Our users say:
Posted by: Maria | 2007/08/13

In that case I partially agree with John - talk to the man and give him a deadline for telling his wife. You will have to verify whether or not he did, perhaps by getting her to tell you she got the messages. If he doesn't tell her then I think you have to. You will have to pick the time and place according you what you feel most comfortable (or least uncomfortable) with. You could write her a letter to read while you are together if you cannot get the words out. Tell her that you care for her very much, and don't want to meddle where you are not wanted, but does she know that her husband is having an affair? Suggest that they go for counselling.

I think you may lose the friendship, perhaps temporarily, but you could save your friend and her marriage in the process. Good luck.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Molly | 2007/08/13

Maria, he just said that he likes to be with her although he does not want to be in the situation, so I don't think he wants to end it!

Reply to Molly
Posted by: Maria | 2007/08/13

Tricky. Are you sure she doesn't know? The thing is, if he is sleeping with the other woman and with his wife, he could be putting her at risk for STD's including HIV. So apart from the emotional pain he could literally give her a life sentence.

When you talked to him, did he give any indication that he intends to stop the affair?

Reply to Maria
Posted by: dfhdj | 2007/08/13

Don't tell her cos she will blame you for interferring. Sorry but it always happens

Reply to dfhdj
Posted by: Molly | 2007/08/13

Thank you very much for the response. I found out this weekend when I had a chat with him. I suspected it for some time now but I could not (didn't want to) believe it. I think he might be infatuated (sp?) by this other lady and now he does not think straight! I know he will wake up some day and then it might be too late. I also want to spare my friend the heartache. I really love them both and feel sick in my gut about this!! Girlfriend, I agree. I would have wanted her to tell me, but I don't know how to approach this situation!! This is one of the hardest things I had to do in my life, and I have done some hard things before......!!!!!

Reply to Molly
Posted by: Girlfriend!! | 2007/08/13

Tell her, for goodness sake!! How would you feel if she did not tell her?

Reply to Girlfriend!!
Posted by: John | 2007/08/13

I think the prospect of doing the ChaCha in a minefield is infinitely more appealing than the unenviable position you find your self in.

Had the roles been switched, would you have wanted your close friend to tell you that your hubbie is sneaking around? At the very least, you would have wanted to know, I am sure. How does one break this news though, how do you broach the subject - do you have proof? How did you find out? These are some questions she might have.

As her friend, you do owe her some loyalty but meddling in someone else's marriage is another thing.

Perhaps you and your hubbie can meet with him - without her being there - and give him an ultimatum. Tell him that you are both close to her and him and if he does not come clean you will have to break your relationships off. Give him a tell-by-date. And that when she asks why you are avoiding her, tell him then you will have to tell her the truth.

If you do nothing, your silence can be intepreted as consent and you could be viewed as co-conspirators.

I think you need the wisdom of Solomon here. Please post back and let us all know what you did and what the outcome was so that we can all learn.

Reply to John

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