Posted by: Riley | 2008/06/19

Cheating - and now?

I've been up for most of the morning, I can't sleep. I've spent the last few hours reading all the posts and feel a little better. This is a super long story, but will try keep it short as possible.

My long term live-in girlfriend wanted to go to the UK to do some 'growing up' and traveling. Little did I know, that she was in fact having an online affair with another woman almost twice her age and went to go live with her. She showed me them together on webcam on Saturday, almost a week since she had left and I did not hear anything from her. Her family also refused to tell me where she was and if she was ok. Now I know they were all in on the story and things make sense.

I paid for most of the expenses, as I earn double what she does, and often cut my needs to be able to save the money for her travels. I know this was super dumb, but now I have learnt my lesson.

My problem now is, that she constantly phones and sms's me, at the craziest hours. This new woman also sent me a msg saying I need to reply to her as she is dying without me and really needs me. My ex (I still can't say that really) said she made a huge mistake and wants to come back to me. I don't pick up private numbers, and haven't replied to any sms.

After the webcam incident, I wrote her a short email saying I was sorry and that I never meant for things to work out like this and that I never stopped loving her for a second. I understand (after much thinking) that it does take 2 to tango and I obviously had a good share in our relationship failing.

On advice from my mom, I cut all contact. I removed her family from my Facebook account, which sparked up the most disgusting message from her sister (who I let stay with us for 3 weeks, with her 3 week old baby at no cost) which took me on on so many personal weak points - that I shared with them in confidence. I know now what type of people they are, which hurts me, because I really love her family and got on very well with them.

I still miss her insanely, understandebly, but I am doing the right thing by not having contact? I am online mostly, hoping that she has sent me emails and then when I get them, I crumble.

I have also started packing her things and will return it to her mom this weekend. Do I drop it at the security? Or do I arrange a meeting with her mom? How do I split the things we bought together? (Couches, dvd players, etc?)

This relationship is over, right? I wish time didn't heal things, because its taking too long...

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Our expert says:
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This was a whole lot more than cheating --- she lied to you, carefully and repeatedly, and had the incredible cheek to expect you to pay for her to go to her lover, having planned to cheat you in this elaborate way for a considerable time ! Lord knows what she's oplaying at now, but obviously if she missed you so much, let alone "needed you", she wouldn't have gone away, and now she would simply come back. So stop taking any calls or messages from her or her lover, and ignore them completely. They don't deserve your attention, let alone compassion. Change your phone number and email address. And what chek her family has to hassle you at all. Ignore them, too.
You loved them too easily, too uncritically, but have learned your leson --- not that one should not love, as you should, but to know people better, and like them for longer, before "loving" them. She has to learn to live with the consequence of her actions, and if she isn't left to learn this now, she will only hurt herself and other people all the more in the coming years.
Yes, pack her things and leave them with her mother, and at the security gate --- there is nothing to be gained from talking with her mom, who surely knew something about this all along. You owe nothing whatever to her mother, and should not expose yourself to further pleasing and discomfort.
Time DOES heal, but you actually, despite your discomfort, haven't given it much time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: once bitten twice shy | 2008/06/19

Dear Riley

Don't waste any sleep over this woman. She has no respect for your nor for herself, if she did she would never have treated you the way she did. You are too good for her. Believe me it may hurt now but soon it won't. You have been more than tolerant and patient. This woman used and abused you! Never ever take her back under no circumstances! There are a lot of very honest, loving, caring trusting women. Good for you! Please send back her stuff asap the sooner the better by meeting her mom you may feel yourself being under undue pressure, just let her know that you will be sening back the stuff, whether she is there or not she can arrange for the security to accept it on her behalf or she can come and collect it!

I would throw it out on the pavement for the beggars to come and collect, help themselves!

Reply to once bitten twice shy
Posted by: Rachel | 2008/06/19

Dear Riley,
Its not always easy to just let go. And its very hard to believe that time heals all wounds. I was heartbroken when I read your post. You sound like a very sincere and honest guy and any girl would be very lucky to have you. I'm not even going to point a finger at your ex, because there is most probably a lot of girls that did what she did. And this is not about her anymore. Good luck, Riley. I really hope you find the healing you need!

Reply to Rachel
Posted by: Kb | 2008/06/19

Move on and start a new chapter. She obviously has no respect for you or your feelings. Keep the things you guys bought together, or if you dont want to , sell them like Krantz said, and give her half the money, not that she deserves any of it.

Reply to Kb
Posted by: Southernwrite | 2008/06/19

Wow what a nice ex - cut ties - cut up all her clothes and cut all of her faily out of your life man and than move on - has the audacity to show you the two of them on webcam together - u did the right thing my ignoring her mails etc. take he back and Next year you will be sitting in the same position where you are now - walk away

Reply to Southernwrite
Posted by: Candi | 2008/06/19

Hi Riley, sorry to hear what you are going thru, but think that it is time to move on. She chose to cheat on you and included her whole family in the lies so that kind of tells you that she has no respect for you at all. Pack up all her stuff and either drop it off at her mom's or have a courier company deliver it to her mom's place. Cut all ties with the ex, she has made her decision so she must live with it.

Reply to Candi
Posted by: Krantz | 2008/06/19

YOu are doing the right thing. TIme to cut all ties. A tiger does not change its stripes. Drop her things off by meeting the mom, it's the right thing to do and you are keeping your nose clean in this. No need to also become a d00s. AS for the stuff you bought together, if it helps to ease the pain then sell it all all and give her half the money. OTherwise keep it.

Reply to Krantz

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