Posted by: Troubled soul | 2004/10/01

Cheated upon, struggling to forgive

Am in a long distance relationship with this guy but on one of his visits I discovered a suspicious sms on his phone. After a couple of months I confronted him and he confessed to having cheated on me. The girl is pregnant. He says he wants a DNA test done but the whole thing is eating me up and breaking us apart. I know he loves me and has shown `regret` from day 1 of me finding out. He's apologetic and always reassures me of his love. He says he wants to be with me 4 as long as he lives and would do anything to prove that. We phone each other daily (mostly him initiating the calls) however I can't bring myself to forgive even though it is said that there's great power in it. I don't trust him anymore but can't break up coz I love him. Please advise.

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Our expert says:
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I hope he regrets hurting you, more than he regrets that you found out about this. Relationship counselling could help a lot, but it's hard to see how you could organize that acrosds a long-distance.
I agree with lady nina, that it's worth re-thinking the relationship. Although he said he's sorry, pregnancy is pretty easy to prevent, so he was thoughtless and careless as well as unfaithful. And he will need to maintain a relationship with his child and financially help to support it and the mother, which radically changes the relationship you thought you were entering into. So I also agree with kernel. loli, and orie.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Orie | 2004/10/01

My 10'c worth : I personally thinks he knows that the child is his. he wants to tag you along with the hope that it is not his. He wants to continue the relationship with you while you still have the hope that the DNA might prove that the child is not his. He admitted to making her pregnant even though he comes up with the DNA story .For now ,take it as the child is his ( most probably it is his and he knows that) . he's trying to relieve the burden and give you false hope that it aint his child. If it's his child , u've got one coming girl ! The child will be a constant remind of his infedility for the rest of your lives. You'll be constantly reminded of that incident and it will take forever for you to recover and completely forgieve him . One thing for sure is that you'll never , forget that he cheated on you if the child is his. Even if it was'nt his child you'll take a long time to forgive and forget . Trust is s difficult thing to regain after you've lost it . I'm struggling with trust issues in my own relationship , it was dented and whenever I see the place where they 'did it" I get sudden anger and I revert back to mistrust . Dear if you meant the world to him , why did he not realise that what he was doing could infact destroy the thing that means most to him ? Another question is " if you did'nt find out about the affair , would have had the same regret from day one as he did when you found out ? I believe that he would have continued with this if you did'nt find out . If it's his child , the mother of the child and him will have some kind of contact because of the child - that will torment you even further when they call each other and talk about the child or when they meet . Would you still trust him that he wont have another quickie with her for old time's sake ? These things happen , and you'll be unhappy in this realtionship . He has broken the circle of trust and with the "memento" that comes with it , you'll never be able to fully forgive him , yoiu'll never forget it and you'll never trust him . This is a long distance relationship , will you trust him wherenver he goes back to the town where he stays . No you wont , your mind will be filled with doubts , suspicion and you'll fight quite a lot . Questions like " Who are you with ? Why does it seems like you cant talk pproperly on the phone as if you're with someone" You'll be paranoid ,I promise you and you'll fight because you wont trust him even if he's clean . You will eventually break up due to lack of trust in the relactionship . Move out now , you deserve better

Reply to Orie
Posted by: Loli | 2004/10/01

I don't think you would still be In Love with him if he had given you AIDS ha! Consider yourself lucky that you don't have any sickness and that he only only made a woman pregnat wonder what else he will do in the next coming months (ones a cheater always remain)

Reply to Loli
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/10/01

Rather break up with this guy while there is time - remember he has a child with someone else, new responsibilities - that is not the way to show one's eternal love.

I am sure you do not want him to desert the other woman he has impregnated and leave them to cope on their own? He has made his bed.

It would be in your best interest to put him out of your life forever - or would you be prepared to carry the additional baggage along?

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/10/01

hi there

he doesn't need to be forgiven for what he has done, it was very selfish of him to place your relasionship at risk

however, you deserve it, you deserve to life a love free from the hate, bitterness....
remember one thing girl - we never forgive because the other party deserves is but because WE deserve it

if the baby is his then i would seriously reconsider the relasionship - it not just a case of forgive and forget - they will always be part of your lives ....and it would take a lot from you to be able to live with something like that
and if your bf cuts them out of his life - i would not be able to respect a guy who runs away form his responsibilities

but let go of all the pain and bitterness l - you deserve to be free again


Reply to lady nina

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