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Question
Posted by: Intenso | 2005/07/12

chat - cheating/affairs

I read comments, postings, opinions, condemnations, judgments, etc regarding the cheated and the cheater. Every single one of us has the ability to choose same as we all have an opinion regardless whether it is against or for. Let us take the entire cheating topic further, let us examine possible root causes and not reasons or reactions.

• Is it easy to cheat because there are low morals in both men
and women in the society of today?
• Is it easy to cheat because society and its rules condemn us in
an affair thus making it exciting hence the exploration?
• Do we marry for the wrong reasons and so justify our affair?
• Do we have lack of communication with regards to working
toward a happy healthy relationship in all its aspects? Will
communication in this instance then rid the parties of having an
affair?
• Are the nuances of sex too available out there i.e. porn,
prostitutes, internet, anal, toys, 3somes, exploration of bi-side,
swinging, etc., is it all too much for the curious person to bear
thus giving birth to an affair via his/her curiosity?
• Does religion, upbringing, culture, politics, etc present too many
rules and restrictions on us as individuals and in that manner
we never get to know who we really are and start off doing
the ‘right” thing yet end up doing the “wrong” thing?
• Do some of us not really know how we feel and make long
term decisions on short term emotions?
• Some religions teach, especially to women, that sex before
marriage is wrong yet in that instance if we do not explore and
reach a level of compatibility, and since sex is such a vital part
of modern day life, will we then not with our lack of experience
not be able to satisfy our men with all that they are exposed
to? And won’t our religion then also teach us not to entertain
the different sexual options out there today?

I suppose I could pose much more questions that would dwell on those lines but it would be interesting to read what we all think could be root causes for use of a better word, which makes cheating such an easy option in the world today??

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Our users say:
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

I do love myself then. My boss always says Im confident which i am, Im good looking, I live in a cool townhouse, drive a cool car, have cool children, earn a cool salary. So why then the fling? Maybe its true, I was vulnerable at the time. Maybe some subconscious reason that i should try and work out. Ah well, in time my dear, in time. And life goes on. Thanks for your advice.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Intenso | 2005/07/12

its not an easy process i guess but we can usually be our own worst enemy, being insecure, self doubt, lack of confidence, envy, jealousy, to mention but a few. You have to accept who you are, with your mistakes and your achievements, be proud of who you are and hold you head up high and have high regard for youself. to judge and criticise who you are and swirl around in your own negative thoughts is not healthy. imagine you dislike yourself cos of your looks or your deeds and you remain envious and wishful and never make peace with who you are, how do you expect someone else to love you if you cant love yourself, if you disgust yourself? there is a song which goes, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again......that is a sure start. good luck just me, forget about him and concentrate on you.

Reply to Intenso
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

By the way - what do you mean when you say you have to love yourself first - how do you know when you have reached the stage of loving yourself??

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

I hear what you are saying. Let it be - but it will come out one day - as they have all pointed out, the wheel turns slowly but surely.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Intenso | 2005/07/12

Perhaps he will continue with his ways but that is outside your hands Just me, dont worry about him and what will happen in his life, especially if its as you say, you were vulnerable and thus experienced a life lesson. you must emerge stronger and wiser and toss him aside as the only memory you should have of him is that men like him do exist and at least you would be able to spot another. Now that your thoughts have cleared somewhat, move on, its the best thing in the world for you do right now. I know its easier said that done but you will see it will be easier before its even done, good luck.

Reply to Intenso
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

SR - I dont feel anger, pain, humiliation or anything like that. Another guy called Synic says I just want to get revenge by hurting his partner by telling her and I dont. I feel sorry for her (I know you dont believe me 'cos I was part of the deception) as he has the wool pulled over her eyes 'cos he is a major smooth talker so much so that as I explained to Synic, he will end up finding someone else and this cycle of deception towards her will continue. The only reason he hooked me is 'cos I was extremely vulnerable at the time (came out of an abusive relationship, suffering depression, moving house) and as i dont have family to rely on I relied on him. He knew it and he even told me it was wrong for him to take a chance on me as he knew I was vulnerable and I would fall for him hook, line and sinker. But now that I've come to my senses since starting anti-depressents, I finally can see some light at the end of the tunnel, I realise how bizarre my behaviour was. Ive never done this sort of thing in my life before. Its totally against what I was brought up to be and now that I have had chance to think clearly, I think she should know. If your opinion is that she shouldn't be told, then I wont tell her but Im telling you he will continue his ways, because I know him.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/12

Just me = Its easy , we have spoken before many times on this forum and other forums

Reply to SR
Posted by: Intenso | 2005/07/12

Just me - i have read your posting hell hath no fury...i empathise with you on many levels and i could say revenge is sweet and he deserves the exposure and she is blinded by him and a hundred other things but you are not considering the most important person here and that is you and the you i refer to is not the one that is hurting but the one that is hidden now and has to be searched for through the layers of pain, regret, anger, humiliation, etc you are feeling right now.

your posting denotes that there is no permanency in this association, so dont press the button right now, think about things, cry, break things, girls night, sleep, watch videos, whatever it takes, in other words give yourself a chance to be the painful you and then once that has simmered down some what, then decide if you press the button or not, at least you will make a clear decision and not a blurred on. Info or having the upper hand does not dissapate if you mourn, keep it if it would come in handy.

but what i really want to say is dont worry about him as he will attract what he needs to, worry about you and dont let this incident cloud you, step away from it briefly before you make the decision on how to deal with it.

Reply to Intenso
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

SR - How do you know Intenso is a woman?

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

So Intenso should the cheater be exposed in order to learn from his mistake or should he get away with it?

Reply to Just me
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/12

Intenso you amazing woman you. You hit the nail on the head, you cannot love someone until you learn to love yourself and thats the beauty of it all. When you love yourself you have peace of mind and with peace of mind you are not swayed by those things which distract. I'm sure that your message to those woman sank home and you have a following for sure.

Reply to SR
Posted by: Intenso | 2005/07/12

SR we all have the ability to cheat, it is within each one's grasp every day, all we have to do is encourage it and et viola, it happens and before reality sets in the deed is done and regret inevitable. We will always see someone more attractive than our partner and there will always be others besides our partners that find us attractive and make passes at us. Is this perhaps where the inheritant weakness steps in SR? No person in naturally weak as not person is naturally strong, its personal resolve that sees us through and presents us with the option to say thank you but no thank you.

A leopard cannot change his spots because he cannot make personal choices, a man can change his spots even though he used to sprout and flaunt it, nothing is impossible. Being honest with himself enables him to to be honest in his life and with others and so he need never be faced with the option to cheat and say yes. Cheating is only valid if there are parties involved that are married and in a relationship, and in there lies there inherant "DNA" you refer to SR, solve the problem in the marriage and or relationship and cheating dissolves on its own.

If a loved one cheats, one should hand out hope and forgiveness and hopefully save the cheater through your gift of love but that is like "riding off into the sunset" and is more magical than true, its hard to forget and its hard to re-trust, abuse in any form is unacceptable even abuse of trust. I once preached to a hall of women that love is a gift not of this world and only if we shed our physical pains especially emotional can we accept and love someone in this grand way of love. Love has no ifs' and rules, its pure regardless, but you have to love yourself before you can even contemplate loving another...

Reply to Intenso
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/12

Just me = That is one reason why he cheats. What about the person that supposedly loves the person he is cheating on?

Reply to SR
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/12

Purr = There are things that happen in this world that test us. We are either broken or made in the moments of our dispair. I pray each day that what emerges is a butterfly and not a beast of destruction

Reply to SR
Posted by: Just me | 2005/07/12

Its hard to say but from my experience he apparently has a problem with God (so he says), hes not religious at all. His wifey cheated on him once so he feels he might as well "get her back", he has no morals 'cos he feels that everyone is having affairs, there is no communication between him and wifey, he's bored with life and they do nothing together as a couple and he has to beg for sex but at the same time he complains that shes fat and could do something about her appearance, (she looks like shes just crawled out of bed 24/7) he is with her only because she helps him financially at the end of each month - its basically a business partnership. Maybe other people have different reasons.

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Purr | 2005/07/12

I agree SR and yes what to do after you have been humilated by your spouse???wish and pray it never happens to you because you can not describe the pain,anger and humilation ..It must be the worst deception possible.

Reply to Purr
Posted by: SR | 2005/07/12

Intenso = I have discussed this topic long and hard with my girlfriend and we have both come up with a few top raters. That inherintly we are weak and given the situation and without strong enough resolve we cheat. The act of cheating becomes so great and powerful that it overpowers us. We also discussed remorse and figured in certain instances this set in as soon as the penis became limp and one looked into the eyes of the fellow cheater or the one that has just been taken for a ride.

We categorise cheaters too into two categories, the habitual cheaters and the once off remorseful cheaters who find the thought of cheating haunting them every now and then. Depending on the state of their relationship, the learning from the previous deed and the strength of their love and resolve whether they will cheat again.

The final question .... does a leopard ever change their spots ??? Intenso I'd like you to answer me on this one .... does one give up hope and toss the one you love away or does one hang on and try to save them regardless?

Reply to SR
Posted by: Deubel | 2005/07/12

People mainly cheat because they have no respect for their own partner or the other party's partner. Where there is no respect there is no love and no loyalty. All other related problems stem from this, i.e. this is the root cause.

Reply to Deubel

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