Our expert says:
Some thoughts. Could your MANNER in HOW you approach the teachwer / principal be part of the problem ? YOu're obviously very emotionally wrapped up in all this, but if she feels challenged, she may automatically defend herself and her school, irrespective of the fact ; whereas if she feels acknowledged as someone with relevant expertise and experience whose advice is being ssought, she may try to be more helpful.
Each chiold must present some particular problems. Yes, it would be nice for them to keep Sara more separated from Charne --- but maybe she then just attacks other kids, and then THEIR parents complain. Maybe they need to encourage Sara's parents to conslt her doc, to have her medicated or otherwise treated perhaps by a psychologist, to unlearn her habit of attacks. Maybe they need to recognize that triggers such attacks. Spontaneous violence towards others is not a feature of Autism, but they can feel easily threatened by otherwise innocent behaviour of others. Maybe the teachers need to observe Sara more closely to identify what is setting her off ?
On Three --- was Charne sitting with the assitant, while the teacher was occupied with the other kids, or was there no teacher there at the time, and only the assistant ?
On 4, it's surely not a question of making home a shit place for her, but of skillfull avoiding making it additionally rewarding for her to stay home rather than go to school. The evenings and weekends can be as nice as ever, but no extra pleasures or privileges for staying home during school-time --- making it dull and unrewarding, rather than nasty.
From the different points you have noticed, it is indeed very possible that this particular "assistant" is trusted too much by the teacher / principal, and may have taken a disline to Ne for some reason, and is a significant cause of thios problem. Is it possible to discuss this calmly with the headm and see if Ne can be swopped to another class, under a different teacher or if the assistant could be swopped to another class and out of the one Ne is in ?
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