Posted by: Sad | 2008/10/07

Caught my boyfriend mastrubating


last night i woke up from my sleep to find my boyfriend on his cellphone while giving himself a hand job. clearly her was on the net looking at porn while doing this. we have a very healthy sex life and i dont refuse him sex, so i have to wonder why he is doing this. i did not approach him yet cos i dont want this to become a big thing.
i feel so ugly and unsexy after what i have witnessed. i thot i was enuf for him but now i feel so inadequate. i take such good care of myslef and always look good for him.
In my eyes him thnking about another women while doing this is just as bad as cheating, especially when it is in the middle of the night and he is lying right next to me and more especially cos i never turn him down.
Dr can you shed some light on this. the guys out there can let me know why he is doing this. this is not the first time he did it.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageSexologist

It may well be that he is engaging in phone sex...The reasons for this MAY have nothing to do with you directly, but rather are part of his individual 'map' of what he finds arousing or possibly to meet other psychological needs. You do need to check out whether he is as content in the relationship (generally & sexually) as you are.

Your response to feel betrayed is not unusual, many partners would feel this way, and face it, if he didn't think it was a problem in the relationship, he wouldn't be doing it in secret...

Talk to him about it to try to understand from his perspective if he's willing to discuss it. It may be that you would benefit from professional support if he feels he can't stop it or can't understand your response...If he won't talk or won't stop this, it's then up to you as to whether you think you can accommodate this in your relationship

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: sad | 2008/10/07

Hi all
thanks again for your replies and i took your advice. i had to get it off my chest so i emailed him. He apologised profusely and now he feels embarrased. you guys were right he just wanted relief and did not want to disturb me.
but he feels so bad that what he has done has left me feeling inadequate.i just wanted him to know how i felt at least i got that across and we can move on from this in a good way.
i am lucky to have a horny boyfriend tho ^-^
thanks again. you saved what could have been a huge fight for nothing. i love ya' ll

Reply to sad
Posted by: Dont | 2008/10/07

I understand ur feeling hurt but I think every person has a way of pleasing him/herself.I for one touches myself every now and then.Im not sure if he notices but I do it all the time.I see nothing wrong in that.Not that he does not make love to me....but the pleasure of toucjing myself is different from him entering and thrushing me.
Do not be angry with him.Tell him that u dont mind him waking u up if he feels horny even at night.

Reply to Dont
Posted by: Godz | 2008/10/07

Hi guys
I completely agree with Lala and ?.Your boyfriend gets very honry during night times.He does want to disturb you when you are tired and sleeping.Plse,give him the benefit of the doubt.If you do catch him masturbing, join him.
You are so damn lucky to get such a horny man bcos some women are starving out there.And there is nothing wrong with masturbation bcos it relieves stress/tension.

Reply to Godz
Posted by: ? | 2008/10/07

I can completely understand where you coming from. If I caught my man doing that, I would also feel the same. But after reading your second response, it seems that he gets horny at night time. You said that he sometimes wakes you up, and you both have sex. So he obviously feels very horny during the night. You also said that you were tired a few times and didn' t feel like doing it.

So maybe he just feels bad to always wake you up from your sleep (esp if he knows you' re really tired). And so instead of waking you up and being considerate, he watches porn to get aroused and then masturbates.

It' s a very strong possibility...

Reply to ?
Posted by: sad | 2008/10/07

Hi Lala
thank you for responding. The reason i am feeling so hurt is that i have given him a handjob so many times. There are times i will refuse like in the middle of my sleep but last night was not one of those times. He will just prompt it and i will go along with it. He knows i enjoy doing this for him and i do touch myself in front of him. i know how much he loves that. our sex life is very open and we explore every avenue. i really dont know how to feel about this. i am trying so hard to give him the benefit of the doubt i just cant help but feel so hurt.

Reply to sad
Posted by: Lala | 2008/10/07


I once dated a guy that also did that, and when i first saw it, i felt the same way you do. But, there is two ways of looking at this.

1. Just because he does this, doesnt mean he doesnt love you or find you or your sex life enjoyable. Women also like masturbating and exploring themselves some times. The same with men. Perhaps this is something he has wanted to explore or try. Perhaps even,he might be the person feeling inadequate and is looking at porn and masturbating to make himself feel better.
2. Why not change this around. Why not join him or take part in it. Perhaps give him a hand while he is masturbating. Or whisper naughty thoughts in his ear. Or even, masturbate yourself if you feel comfortable doing that. For some men that is a big turn on. To see a woman masturbate or seeing her watching you as you do it. Most men have fantasies about things like that which they dont want to share with their partners as they are afraid of being judged about it.

Either way, I would suggest talking to him about it. Dont be confrontational. Just tell him that you saw him masturbating the other night, and you found it very arousing (even if you didnt at that time), and you want him to do it with you or watch you doing it. Im sure it will blow his mind.

Good luck

Reply to Lala

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