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Posted by: RESTRICTED | 2004/03/04

CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE BETWEEN FAMILY & BOYFRIEND

I AM 22 YEARS OLD. I'M WORKING AND STUDYING PART-TIME. I'M NOT HAPPY WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. I SEEM TO RELY ON OTHER PEOPLE TOO MUCH ON THE EMOTIONAL SIDE, AS A RESULT THE SMALLEST THING AFFECTS ME DEEPLY AND I FEEL EXTREMELY HURT. I WISH I WERE A STRONGER PERSON SO PEOPLE (WHO ARE CLOSE TO ME) DON'T TAKE ADVANTAGE AND TREAT ME LIKE A DOORMAT. I'M ALSO IN A SITUATION WHERE MY PARENTS DISAPPROVE OF MY BOYFRIEND, AND I THINK MY PROBLEM STEMS FROM HERE. I AM CONTINUOSLY IN THE MIDDLE AND IT IS TRULY EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTING, TRYING TO PLEASE BOTH SIDES. THEY DON'T REALISE TO WHAT EXTENT THIS IS AFFECTING ME. BESIDES BEING SENSITIVE AND AN INTROVERT, I'M A PERSON WHO DOESN'T LIKE PARTIES, GOING OUT OFTEN ETC. I'M NOT A SOCIABLE PERSON, MY FAMILY THINKS THAT MY BOYFRIEND IS STOPPING ME FROM GOING OUT.ITS NOT THAT, ITS JUST THAT I PREFER QUIET MOMENTS TO MYSELF. I TRIED EXPLAINING BUT I FEEL AS IF I'M SCREAMING AND NOBODY IS EVEN LISTENING TO ME. I CRY ALMOST EVERY SINGLE NIGHT ABOUT THIS. ITS STRESSING BEYONG BELIEF. PLEASE ADVISE ME ON GAINING SELF-CONFIDENCE AND WAYS OF IMPROVING COMMUNICATION WITH MY FAMILY. I LOVE THEM AND MY BOYFRIEND BUT IF THINGS CONTINUE THIS WAY, I'D PREFER LOSING BOTH OF THEM AND MOVING AWAY TO START A NEW LIFE ON MY OWN. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Restricted,
What you describe certainly sounds emotionally exhausting ! And you seem to have good insight into the nature of the problem, maybe needing some improved assertiveness skills, so you could ask the two sides to spend some of their energies trying to please you, rather than merely trying to be pleased by you.
You sound perfectly normal, otherwise, and many normal folks find little pleasure in the partying and clubbing others seem to thrive on.
You sounds like you do extremely well with counselling. The reason I usally in a situation like this recommend counselling, rather than personally giving detailed advice, is because I sincerely believe that most of the highly generalized advice on issues like self-confidence and communication, is of little real value, wheras a counsellor can rapidly get to know the unique you and your unique situation, and work with you ( very important ) to devise specific techniques you can use , and wich are all the better for you having participated actively in formulating and testing them, rather than merely being the passive recipient of a generalized recipe. Handling difficult relationships is far more complex than making an omelette !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Soul | 2004/03/05

Hi

I understand how you feel. You need to start standing up for yourself. I understand that your folks want what is best for you but at the same time the only way they will know what is best for you is if they listen to you not just hear you but listen.

The only way I can think of how you can achieve this is by being firm with them. Sit down with your folks and have a good chat with them tell them from word go that they can have a chance to speak and you'll listen and then you want a chance to speak and it's their turn to listen.
Be honest with them you may not hear what you want to hear but then neither will they.

A parents natural instinct is to protect their child but unfortunately they can't protect you from everything. The only way you are going to learn things in life is if you fall from time to time.

I hope thinks work out for you.
Take Care
Soul

Reply to Soul

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