Posted by: Curious | 2008/08/25

cant take any more

I have been reading your forum in the hope that other people' s problems will make me see that mine aren' t that bad. I have just received news that is about the final straw.

My life has been just one thing after another for the last 10 or so years. My husband' s business went under and we lost just about everything, house, pets, furniture, cars etc. We moved to another city and started again, which at 50ish was not easy.

My eldest son has told me he is gay. A few years ago my youngest confessed that he is a drug addict. He has a son out of wedlock and his girlfriend was committed to a psychiatric hospital. The child was left with me. I adore him but working full time and now being just on 60 I am finding it extremely difficult and tiring looking after a 3 year old.

On top of this my son and his new girlfriend live with us, they do nothing. I get up at 5, rush around doing what housework I can and go to work. I get home around 7.30 at night and still have to cook, wash up, put on washing etc plus help look after a small child. I keep telling my son that the child is his responsibility but he leaves just about everything up to me. He has been battling with his addiction and has been clean (I think) for over a year now, so at least that is good news.

Now he tells me that he has herpes. I just don' t know how much more I can handle.

Reading through this I am wondering why I have put up with all this sh... for so long. Am I being selfish or should I tell my son to take his child and girlfriend and get out? I am really concerned about my grandson as I absolutely adore him.

My husband is still around but he knows nothing about our gay son or the herpes. He does know about the drugs and just about had a nervous breakdown over it. So many secrets we are keeping from him, that too is putting a strain on me.

Should I just tell them all to clear out?

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Our expert says:
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What a load you carry ! Time for some Tough Love for the sons. Battling one's addiction sounds dramatic but is not exactyl a full-time occupation. And he would be more successful in staying clean if he DID take responsibilioty ( as should the girlfeidn ) for caring for their child, and taking on most of the household chores from you, as they have nothing else to do all day and would benefit from being occupied.
Keep remembering the boundaries between HIS problems and YOURs. Herpes was avoidable ( if we're speaking genital herpes ) and is HIS problem, not yours. HE must handey this, not you. YOu are not being at all selfish, but unselfish literally to a fault. Maybe it would be best for them to move out ( and if they won't care for the child and the house-work, they should ) or maybe it'd suit you for them to stay but take on all the chores that are wearing you out, caring for themselves and helping you too. That way you'd at least keep an eye on your innocent grandson. And there's no reason why your husband ought to have spasms on learning about these other problems ( which are not HIS any more than they are Yours ). Both of you must stop doing other people's jobs for them.

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