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Question
Posted by: Della | 2007/12/13

Cannot cope

After my husband had an affair, i find that i cannot trust him anymore, although he promised it wouldn't happen again. After almost 10 months I came across a message to another woman again, but this time this woman wouldn't let anything happen between them. My problem is that he said i must trust him completely again and must not ask him what he is doing and where he is when he is at work(in an office). He says if i dont trust him, or bother him about what happened, he can't promise that it wouldn't happen again. How do i get over my fear that he might hurt me again and start trusting him again? Can you please help me, i'm desperate!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

He has no right to keep cheating and to expect you to keep forgiving and forgetting --- this is one of the reasons I do NOT believe in "forgiveness" where there has been no genuine repentence by the person who erred. How dare he ask you to trust him COMPLETELY again, when he has proved that he is untrustworthy ? And what rubbish to say that IF you don't trust him totally, it might happen again ? If you DO trust him it could happen again, and probably will. WHy should you see yourself as in the wrong and needing to trust someone who has proved twice that he doesn't deserve to be trusted ? As Jelly says, trust must be earned, it can't be just given on demand. He is asking you to be insensitive, and unintelligent, and to fail to protect yourself, butto help him be a happy cheater. Unless he will agree to sincerely participate in marriage counselling, don't demean yourself just to make him a happy cheater.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Jelly | 2007/12/13

tell you DH that trust is earned, not demanded, same as with respect.

Reply to Jelly
Posted by: Maria | 2007/12/13

He is expecting a great deal from you and apparently not giving anything in return. I think you would benefit from marriage counselling to help you sort this out.

Reply to Maria

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