Posted by: Unhappy Future | 2003/03/28

Can't leave child

I am a male in my mid-20's. I met my fiance while I was in highschool, and she fell pregnant when she was in matric and I was in my first year of varsity. It was my first real relationship and even before that happened our relationship wasn't without hiccups.
After the pregnancy we were on and off for about two years, it placed our relationship under huge pressure and since she never had any support from her family, things were especially hard on her. Her father abused her as a child, and I'm not sure what effect this had on her, but she is quite difficult to live with. My problem is that in the past year we have lived together, I have grown so close to my son (now 6) that I know I can never leave him, although my fiance wants to throw me out after every fight. If I don't submit to her will immediately we have huge fights and she stops speaking to me.
We have the added problem that neither of us have enough money to live on our own. I try to keep the peace between us, but I cannot always keep quiet. Things aren't always bad, but they are never extremely good either. I never feel the need to sleep with her, but often feel like having an affair although I haven't yet. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

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Our expert says:
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Dear u.f.,
Well, despite the feeling that perhaps you'd enjoy an affair involving some happy time spent with someone being affectionate towards you --- you know that the actual likelihood is that before long an affair would have added more complications and hurts to your already complicated and hurtful life. So that's not a worthwhile option to consider.
That you love and have a good relationship with your son is excellent. As for the fiancee, if you are both sharign expenses and costs, she can hardly, legally, throw you out ; and she cannot refuse to allow you proper access to your son, under any circumstances.
Perhaps the two of you, if you'd like to find a happier way to live together, need to explore affordable sources of marriage / relationship counselling ? Some of the Depts of Psychiatry / Psychology and even Social Work at the major Unievrsities and some colleges, can provide such services ( as can a few, but far too few, state / provincial hospitals ) either free or on a sliding scale relating to available income. Perhaps an organizaton like FAMSA can recommend some similar affordable resources.

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