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Question
Posted by: reshall | 2005/07/25

Can't go on like this!

I don't know whether i'm obssed or not. My ex and me are still friends and funny enough i'm still inlove with this guy, the only thing that's worrying me whether he feels the same. Another thing is that he is "black" and i'm "coloured" at some stage i thought that b'cos of that our relationship did'nt worked out and with his culture they are allowed to have more than one girlfriend or wife. Hope u have advice what i should do.

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Our expert says:
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Men generally do seem to be better able to leave a relatonship behind them and to move on ; many women seem to retain a feeling of "love" for their ex, in ways that are often not useful to them. Culture influences all of us, but doesn't force us to do anything we don't want to do. You will need to talk calmly with him to discover how he feels about you and about any possible future relationship with you.
And as Dee usefully points out, there's a difference between traditional forms of polygamy, with actual marriage to more than one woman ; and promiscuity, which is not a tradition honoured by any culture I know of.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Dee | 2005/07/25

The only way to find out is if you ask him.But if he already has another girlfriend I think it would be best to move on.

About the polygamy issue:its very rare.And no! a guy cannot go out with many girlfriends at a time just because he is poligamous.There are procedures and it is very much a carefully dicussed issue.The polygamy usually kicks in after marriage.Ideally it happens when the first wife cannot cope with the husband's needs or maybe cannot fall pregnant.The husband will then dicuss with his wife and their relatives about bringing in a second wife and together they will throw in ideas as to who can be a suitable wife.Thats when the hubby will then approach the lady.He does not go out and have affairs.Dont let anyone fool you into thinking a black guy is allowed to have many girlfriends.Its a lie.I had an ex boyfriend who tried that with me.I asked my parents and relatives about this and they gave me accurate info.

Dont be discouraged about different cultures.Just determine whats most important to you.But if something is a non negotiable ,no matter what culture,dont compromise

Reply to Dee
Posted by: SG | 2005/07/25

Check with him what he thinks about his culture in terms of more than one partner !! If it does not meet with your expectations then you probably need to move on.
I would check with him about his feelings for you as well.
It is most unfortunate but culture can expose relationships to further issues than just the usual !!!

Reply to SG
Posted by: Elsie | 2005/07/25

I think it would be best for you to find out if he is also inlove with you before you make the first move only to find out that you are ruining the friendship. Polygamy is part of black culture, but not compulsory. It's all about choice, so don't judge your boyfriend based on his culture, rather find out what his individual preferences are.

Reply to Elsie

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