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Posted by: Casey | 2007/04/12

Can't get over death of friend

5 month ago my friend died in a car accident, she was only 18 and just finished matric. The driver of the other car was drunk. I just can’t seem to get over her death. No one at my new job knows how difficult it is to come to work with a smile everyday and I can’t seem to feel happy again. I used to sleep fine, but since the accident I can’t sleep without a nightlight (I’m 18!).

I have so many regrets that I should have spent more time with her. I just can’t seem to talk about her death, because it feels like no one really understands the pain of loosing someone who had SO MUCH to live for - not even a shrink. It still feels like there is something I can do to bring her back, if i could just change things for that one day.

I used to have a sense of faith, but since the accident it feels like I don’t know God anymore. People have said that she would not have wanted me to be unhappy after her death – how do they know how it feels to die at 18!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Grief requires hard work and takes longer than most people expect ( especially thse not affected by it ). Don't let yourself get trapped in forms of denial, like assuming that somehow you could miraculously bring her back, or feeling guilty for not having miraculously saved her. We may not know what it feels like to die at 18, but if she was a friend, it seems very likely that she would want you to remember what was happy and good about the relationship, and that she would indeed NOT want you to remember her with misery.
Nice response from RMC. And yes, do consider seeing a counsellor to work on this, for your own sake and as a tribute to your friend

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Our users say:
Posted by: MACKIE | 2007/04/12

CASEY, 5 MONTHS IS WAY TO SHORT A TIME TO RECOVER.GRIEF IS NATURAL.AS RMB SAYS ,GO AND SPEAK TO A PRO,AND DONT WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU COULD HAVE DONE,BECAUSE YOU COULDNT.A TRIBUTE WOULD BE LOVELY ,AND TALK GIRL ,TALK.IT WORKED FOR ME MANY MOONS AGO.LOVE FOR A PERSON NEVER DIES,SHE WILL BE IN YOUR HEART FOREVER,UNTIL ONEDAY,IN THE HERE-AFTER YOU ARE RE-UNITED,PERFECT FOREVER.DONT DOUBT GOD,
HE DIDNT TAKE HER LIFE ,BUT HE IS THE ONE WHOM WILL HEAL YOU AND HER FAMILY.DO SOMETHING IN HER NAME

Reply to MACKIE
Posted by: RMC | 2007/04/12

Where are her parents, Casey - have you guys thought of doing a tribute to her together or something. I've lost some friends but none that were like best friends. I'm really sorry that you are feeling like this and five months is not a long time at all.

It's a cliche, but things do get easier with time - you will always have good days and bad days. Even years from now you will look at photos of her or some one might do things that remind you of her.

I don't think she would have wanted you to stop living your own life though. She sounds like she was a wonderful person who was caring and generous. Think of it this way - if it had been you - would you want her to curl up and stop living?

Having a night light is not a problem - but why don't you go get a little fish tank, even one of those starter kits and put a flourescent into it (if you can afford it get a "blue moon" tube as it is good for the fish and very relaxing. That way you have a soft light and something to look at.

Go for some counselling too. Try compassionate friends - not sure of their number.

And God is real. He did not decide to take her away from you. Seek him at this time, you never know perhaps you will find some answers.

And when you have a child of your own one day perhaps you can name her after your friend

Reply to RMC

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