Our expert says:
For some reason you seem to have reversed direction, and decided to live life backwards, moving into the future, while gazing exclusively in the rear-view mirror. Everybody makes mistakes in life --- only the guy who never did anything made no mistakes, and doing nothing was the worst mistake of all. One should examine a mistake, learn whatever useful lessons one can from it, and then move on. Continuing to chastise yourself and brood over them is a usefuless waste of time and energy, as you well know. And where you have acidentally done something wrong without realizing it, you are not to blame. And brooding solves nothing, and if anything increases the risk of further miskates.
It sounds as though you are probably significantly Depressed, and this sort of excessive brooding over negative aspects of the past is part of Depression. Fortunately, this condition usually responds very well to treatment, and with antidepressants, and in your case I would also strongly recommend CBT therapy / counselling, you can get rid of these bad habits of such negative thinking, and concentrate instead on making your remaining years positive and creative, avoiding the mistakes you already know about, and doing something good, instead
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