Posted by: FED - UP!!!!!!!!!!! | 2006/07/24


I apologize in advance for my words/reactions/anything in this post but I'm so upset now I don't even know how to put it in words!!! URRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I probably have the worst (future) mother-in-law on this f'ing planet!! she's making my live miserable and her son and I aren't even married yet!! I don't know if I can stand this anymore. I stand up to her, I do everything in my might to stay in control but she's such a manipulating bi tch that no one has a f’ing chance against her! I’ve tried to be nice and understanding with her, I’ve tried being mean, I’ve tried everything but the two of us just can’t see eye to eye.

My bf and I have been dating for over 3 years now and his mom has just gotten worse over time. My bf doesn’t take her side but he’s not really doing anything about it either. He just tries to keep the peace and tells me to ignore it. Well I can’t ignore it!!!! I’m an emotional wreck after even an hour spent with her! I don’t visit them anymore but she manages to get around that because she phones me regularly to give me crap. If I don’t answer the phone she just keeps on dialing.

Anyway I can’t go into history now but she just phoned, she and my bf’s father (their currently getting a divorce – which is also extremely messy) are coming to stay over at my house on Friday – yes you heard correctly, both of them. This makes it even worse. His dad is fine but together with his mom – well you listen to their fights the whole time and then his mom directs it to me. Anyway We just had a 2 hour conversation where I thought I made it perfectly clear they are NOT welcome in my house!!! My bf and I already have plans for that night and have been looking forward to it for a long time (outing with all our friends – which is much needed at this point since both our lives are chaotic at the least now) and firstly I don’t want her to stay in my house while I’m not there and secondly even though both my bf and I am full grown adults – she doesn’t see us that way so I already see it coming: I’m going to get crap about 1. what time we’re getting back 2. that my bf is staying over (yes she STILL has a problem if my bf spends the night – hell we can’t even hold hand in front of her and she gets a fit – we’re flippen 24 years old woman!!!) anyway secondly I don’t trust her with our dog. I know sounds crazy but we have a dog and he stays inside, very very well trained but his mom hates this dog – no reason because he’s really got a great character, he doesn’t yap, bite etc. nothing. But she believes it unhygienic etc etc so I know she’ll throw him out in the cold during the night. And quite frankly I give a sh itload more for my dog than for her. Thirdly I won’t be able to drink that night because (even though I’ve never been drunk) she has a huge problem with the fact that I enjoy wine with my suppers etc. so when she evens hears about me having had a drink I get an earful – I’m going to make an alcoholic out of her son etc.

Now before you think she’s overprotective of her son – she’s not. In fact he was a surprise pregnancy and she’s said to him in this last year – more than once – it’s HIS fault she had a horrible marriage because if it wasn’t for him she wouldn’t have been with his father anymore – can you believe that?! Her big issue is because her life is miserable – by her own default she tries and makes everybody else miserable and because her relationship failed she believes my bf and I am going to end up like they did. She continuously compare my bf with his father.

And I must admit – coming from a GREAT GREAT very open, well developed communications system family I AM getting intimidated – I DON’T want to end up like that. It is causing problems between my bf and I and I HATE it, I don’t want to loose him because of another person but I also don’t know if I can handle this woman anymore!!

It’s going to be a nightmare on Friday again – she’s going to expect me to have supper ready for them even though we’ll won’t be there, she’s going to criticize everything in my house – and quite frankly I don’t even have time this week to polish my whole f’ing house. I’m so tired of this. I mean I’m actually a very calm fun-loving person and she turns me into this swearing, uncontrollable maniac!!! I HAVE stood up to her it’s always backfired. I’m used to having proper ADULT conversations but this woman refuses to see reality, she still believes I’m 2 years old! I’m not used to that because my relationships with my parents are so well! My parents really know everything about me, I love visiting them and won’t trade them for the world and on the other side I’ve got this witch.

Please help me! What should I do? Can my bf and my relationship last with this woman? Am I overreacting? I mean I won’t even consider saying no if my parents wanted to come and stay over? What do I do on Friday? I’m really thinking of locking up my room (she searches my things), leaving my house in a mess and not making any arrangements for food or anything else for them – maybe even clear out my house of toilet paper. Ugh! Sorry I’m just so fed up with this woman!!!!!!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear F-U,
Maybe if you and your bf would have some sessions of relationship counselling, you could figure out a joint policy to control this woman's inteference and unpleasantness ?Meanwhile, if you can't keep her out of the house ( does she have a door key ?) then by all means lock your room --- she has no business in there. Why make any arrangements for food for her ? She can bring sandwiches.

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Our users say:
Posted by: fed up | 2006/07/25

oh and chelle - I think I did burst a blood vessel last night, I have a horrible head ache today ;) but other than that I actualle feel very calm because there's a game plan now

Reply to fed up
Posted by: fed up | 2006/07/25

Thanks so much for all the feedback everyone!!! No she does not have a key to my house - I'm not that dumb. I realise now (very clearly) that I've been allowing this even though I thought I put up enough of a fight. I realise I always try and keep peace so let her have her way. As I said since I said yes now already (dumb dumb me) I'll let her come but if she's not on time I'm leaving (she's always late) so yes I'm kinda hoping she'll be late. If she is on time she can forget any pampering, I'll show her into the house and leave from there she can fend for herself... trust me this will already be a big change to how I normally do thins so it should give the message that her ways are coming to an end. I'm not standing for this anymore - I might come back here for some support though!! ;)

Reply to fed up
Posted by: Micky | 2006/07/25

Haai Fed Up

The only difference btwn me and u is that I'm married. I tried to talk to my hubby about his mommy he ignored me.

ONE HOT SUMMER DAY I GAVE HER SHIIIIIIT AND SHUT MY DOOR ON HER FACE. All i'm trying to say is i know your situation. We are not talking to each other now.

All the ladies have given good advices.

Neveeeeeer let her manipulate you otherwise u'll live like that for the rest of your lives.

Lots of love

Reply to Micky
Posted by: anon | 2006/07/25

Oops sorry last paragraph should read " You need to take your back and NOT give it over to this woman, who obviously has her own problems." She sounds very manipulative.

Reply to anon
Posted by: anon | 2006/07/25

You have to set your boundaries here and not be bullied by anyone. You are in a relationship with your bf and not with his parents. You should just call her and tell her you have other plans and cannot cancel. It does not suit you, them coming to stay over. That is that. Accept it or leave it. They cannot force themselves on to you.

You do not have to go through all of this. Your bf should support you in this.

You need to take your power back and give it over to this woman, who obviously has her own problems.

Reply to anon
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/07/25

The family most probably know exactly what this woman is like, and are most probably happy when it's your turn to be on the receiving end - that way she's not bothering them.

If her attitude is that it's her way or no way, then you let it be no way - especially when they're coming to stay in your house.

Glad you're feeling a bit better today. Sounded like you were going to burst a blood vessel last night! :-)

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: fed up | 2006/07/25

You're all correct, I should just stop her from walking all over me - I always give up in the end in stead of sticking to my word. I'm calmer today *blush* thanks everyone I think it's time for some serious confrontation... I realize I've been allowing this but how much worse can it get? Even if it backfires if I stand up to it now it can't be nearly as bad as it already is, can it?

I think I'll allow the staying over now - since I did give in and said yes BUT I'm going to lock my room - keep her from snooping. I'm not polishing the place and I'm not making arrangements for supper or anything, they can sort themselves out. I told them I'm not going to be there so they should just live with it and you know what I'll come back plastered from the party if I want too... I know childish but I'm just not going to cater for her every wim. I'm not. They can sleep at my place and that's it.

I'm done trying to please everyone - and I suppose if the family takes her side and shuns me that's fine too. It'll hurt because I actually do like the rest of his family but I guess blood will always be thicker than water... I'll be the horrible woman who took my bf away from them.... It's not going to be easy, I hope I have the courage.

Reply to fed up
Posted by: Bird | 2006/07/25

You have to calm down. This woman is living in the dark ages. What I cant understand is why you letting her get to you? She is obviously worried about her lillte boy. SHe sounds a bit nutty!

DO what you want to do. SHe is not your mother. Tell her to piss off!

Reply to Bird
Posted by: Taurus | 2006/07/25

Hi there Fed Up,
Listen, there is no need for you to stop your bf from talking to his mom about it. Maybe if she hears it coming from him, she will get a clue. At the moment, to her, it looks like you are the one that doesn't want them being around their son. So let him talk to her about it, and let him lay down the law. If I were you (now I know this isn't the best of advice), I would leave the house before 5 on friday, and just lock everything up (she doesn't have a key to your place does she?). You go out on friday, and enjoy yourself! She cannot get into your place, okay, to me she sounds like the type of person that will camp outside your place until you get back. If that happens, just ignore them, and go inside and lock up. It sounds like she needs a bit of "tough love" (okay a bit ironic, I know). She needs to get it into her brain that the world does not, in any terms, revolve around her. But like I said before, don't stop your bf from laying down the law with her, she needs to hear it from him, even if it means he must get a bit nasty with her.....she will get over it.
Good luck to you!!!

Reply to Taurus
Posted by: Butterfly | 2006/07/25

Oi, Ugghhh shame man.

Well, as far as I can see, you are allowing her to have control over your life. Don't you think she knows how much she riles you? Don't you think she enjoys the reaction she gets from you? You are contributing to the drama in her life, and by the souds of things she really thrives on the drama.

If I were you, no matter how it feels inside I would not give her the pleasure of knowing she is getting to me.

I would lock my dog in my room, and take food out for her to cook.

Drink your wine and if she says anything shrug and say well I reeally enjoy it.

If she is pestering you on your cellphone, get someone to answer sayoing so and so's phone can I help you. When she asks where u are tell them to say in a meeting. Put your phone on silent.

Dont react to her in any way. It is the only way to deal with attention seekers, believe me.

Reply to Butterfly
Posted by: FED - UP | 2006/07/24

Thank you for replying - that's the worst of it: I WAS consulted! That's why I'm so upset, we actually fought on the phone for hours because I just didn't want her to come but she had a reply to everything. I tried to explain calmly but she didn't get it. She even expected us to cancel our plans. There's no middle ground with this woman. It’s her way or no way. I maintained to the end this is how it’s going to be otherwise nothing and then she started her whole crying thing and sob stories and I don’t know what else which I actually ignored, we hung up. Then she phones back 5 minutes later and says that she’s thought of it and she can’t see any other way they’ll see me at 5 this Friday and she hung up!!!! Trust me I don’t just stand idly back and let her do everything but she just maneuvers herself in there! My bf has said before he’ll talk to her but then I stop it – out of fear that that would actually make it worse!! He is also fed up with her but he’s dealt with it by ignoring everything and avoiding her – which in turn makes her phone me more to find out what he’s up to!!!!! Also I’m scared if he does do something she’s so good with what she does that she’ll turn the rest of the family against me saying I’m trying to take my bf away from them… or even worse put everyone against my bf… I really don’t see a solution here. It’s easy to say don’t let her but trust me I would’ve said the same before I met this woman, she’s the devil himself. No one sees past her victim pose, everyone is falling for the whole “oh-poor-me I’m going through a divorce so everyone should do everything in their power to make me feel better”. In the mean time the divorce is HER fault. If this sounds insensitive – you really don’t get how evil this woman is!

Thanks I think I mostly just need to vent. I know I need to get this woman out my life and I think my bf would actually follow if I said we should cut her out but I don’t want to be responsible for separating a mom and son and also I’m scared the rest of the family might write him off as well then? How can I live with doing that?

Reply to FED - UP
Posted by: Chelle | 2006/07/24

This is a good place to vent - hope you're feeling better!

How come it's been decided that they are coming to stay at your place? Didn't you have a say in this at all? Surely you have a right to decide who stays and when? That's the first thing I see going wrong here. It sounds like you weren't even consulted. Mind explaining what that is all about?

If you were asked up front you could have explained the plans you had made and the fact that you wouldn't be able to spend time with them, and that the dog would be staying inside. They would then be staying over on your terms.

You say your boyfriend doesn't stick up for her, but does he stick up for you? He should be actively taking a role here, and shouldn't allow his mother to treat in the way she does. There is no excuse - he has a duty to get involved as far as I am concerned.

You and your boyfriend have to find ways to resolve this before you get married, because this is going to get worse over time unless you stop it now. Remember that you are only treated in a certain way because you allow it - you have to stand up to it and not let manipulative tactics get the upper hand.

Best wishes and lots of deep breaths! :-)

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: FED - UP | 2006/07/24

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I don't know what to do with myself I'm that upset. :'( :'( :'( I want to break everything in my path and I'm just working myself up more and more now. F UCK F UCK F UCK I HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Can't i just get thrown a bone for a change? is everyone trying to make me miserable?? It seems like nothing in my life is going right now and this is just the final F'ing slap in the face!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'( :'( :'( :'(

Sorry for my swearing and childlike behaviour! Now I feel guilty and stupid about that but I can't help it. I'm going crazy here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'(

Reply to FED - UP

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