Posted by: Suzie | 2004/11/12

Can you simply stop loving someone.

My spouse says that you can stop loving someone, and he feels that I have stopped loving him. I know that I want to be alone most of the time, but I still love him. I am in therapy for depression due to a traumatic childhood and have started behaving badly towards him. i.e: disrespectful behaviour, saying nasty things about him to family. He is a loving kind man who seems to want the best for me. My behavious has been inexusable, my therapist says it's because I'm trying to sabotage the only good raletionship in my life. I don't want to hurt this man anymore, he deserves better. How do I know if I've stopped loving him? I simply don't understand how you stop loving someone.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Well, he can't do mind-reading. So if he feels you have stopped loving him, this conclusion must have reasons, he must be basing this on the way he interprets some of the way you have been behaving --- explore that. Maybe he's been misinterpreting something. Or it could well be that you have been acting out more unpleasantly arising from your therapy --- discuss this important issue with your therapist, focus on it specifically, and work out a better way of handling this, and of explaining it well to your husband in the meantime. From what you say, you haven't stopped loving him, at all ; but you may have temporarily stopped behaving lovingly towards him. Tell him more about how much you do love him as a "loving kind man who seems to want the best for me", and how this is an annoying and temporary aspect of your therapy, asking him to bear with you a little longer.
And recognize what your therapist has been saying --- and when you feel any tempration or impulse to sabotage this excellent relationship, stop, count to ten, and stop yourself from doing so. You can do this.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Q | 2004/11/12

Nope he should help even if its just to wash disios or work in the garden. But keep on talking sounds like his willing to listen!!

Best of luck girl and have n wonderful love filled weekend!

Reply to Q
Posted by: Suzie | 2004/11/12

He is going with me to therapy, bless his heart. Thanks for the comments.
One thing: he says that although he admits that he isn't perfect, he feels there is nothing that he needs to work on making me happy. I will moan about the fact that he expects me to always do most of the stuff around the house when maid isn't there, and he thinks it's unreasonable because his compromise was to get the maid, and I should be happy to the rest of the stuff because I love him. Am I being unfair to ask him to help out.

Reply to Suzie
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/12

Hi Suzie,

Yes you can stop loving someone, but at the same time I can relate to your therapist's suggesting that you could be sabotaging the only good relationship you have. In an indirect way you kinda push it the limits to see how far you can go... hope this makes sense.

Otherwise, I fully agree with Q & Zee.


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: Q | 2004/11/12

To stop loving some one is normally a process that takes years, to sabotage some thing good something els. my advise would be to invite him to one of your sesions so that you and him can talk about it with your theropist present to intervine and explain to him why things has happen this way and why you feel the way you do!!!! It will give him insite and knowlage and maybe understanding of the problem!!!! good luck girl!!!

Reply to Q
Posted by: Zee | 2004/11/12

I think u should tell him how u feel and tell him about the therapy. He is a good man and he might also try help u and perhaps go with u to some sessions. Dont destroy ur good r/ship, good men are not easy to find

Reply to Zee

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