Posted by: MK | 2008/06/02

Can someone change so drastically?


Just over a year ago my ex husband and I divorced in what was then very amicable circumstances. We had the whole “we are still good friends” thing going, which we were at that point even though I was deeply hurt by his sudden request for a divorce. I had always admired my ex husband for his gentle nature, honesty and strong moral values. He was the type of person who would never hurt the proverbial fly. He was a good father to our daughter and a loving caring husband to me. Many people told us what a wonderful couple we were. However, the person who has emerged in the last few months is the total opposite of all that. He is now in a relationship with someone he has worked with for a long time (which does not bother me in the least, I moved on a long time ago as well). This relationship started shortly after our divorce (yeah, I know what you are all thinking, but I am not stressing about WHEN the relationship started, it is of no consequence to me) But around the same time as the relationship “officially” started he threatened to sue me for custody of our daughter, this after insisting that I have sole custody over her. The reason he gave was that he is more stable than I am since he was in a relationship and I was not. He even went so far as saying he would lie in court if he had to, to achieve this. At this point I put my foot down and told him I would do whatever it takes to keep custody of her. And that is when he backed down. However, now he has become spiteful, vindictive and mean and a bully. His favourite tactic would be to pay maintenance money late or not pay the full amount due, until I had a lawyer write him a letter requesting that he stop doing this. Since this the relationship deteriorated even further. I made it clear that I will no longer be intimidated and bullied by him. When we need to communicate regarding issues regarding our daughter it inevitably ends up in him swearing at me and slamming the phone down, especially if I do not fall in with this plans. I make a conscious effort to be super polite during any kind of communication between us. We have now resorted to email communication only. He often ignores my emails, especially ones where I ask for information regarding arrangements he makes regarding holidays etc, leaving it very difficult for me to make arrangements of my own. He has forged my signature on a debit order and then got angry when I reported the forgery. I do not know the person he is anymore at all. My question is this: Can someone undergo such a drastic personality change in such a short space of time, or are the chances that he was always like this and I just did not see it (in which case I am going to feel rather foolish)? It has been suggested to me as well that perhaps the new woman in his life is influencing him to do all this. It just seems too easy to blame everything on her, though. And besides, what would she gain by it anyway. I always thought he was of really strong character. Can someone be influenced by someone else so as to undergo such a drastic change in personality?

Not what you were looking for? Try searching again, or ask your own question
Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

yes, they can.
GO to the Maintenance Court and have the court confirm how much maintenance he MUST pay every month, removing the threat of non-payment as a tool he can use to manipulate you. And have your custody confirmed, and all details such as holidays also laid down, so he can't play around with them.
You are absolutely right to have reported him for forging your signature, and why wasn't he criminally charged for having done so ? I hope you have kep evidence of this in case some time he claims to be "more stable" than you.
Its unlikely that he has truly undergone any major personality change ( which is realyl hard or impossible to achieve when one really wants to do so ) ; more likely that he always had this potential, but never felt motivated to reveal this, before now. And surely he will, indeed, soon tire of Ms Cucumber

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: MK | 2008/06/04

Thanks everyone for their responses. Much appreciated.

Reply to MK
Posted by: LOL | 2008/06/03

lol ness, i couldnt agree more. although its not so easy in the begining, u learn to handle it better. i battled, seeing my kids get hurt by their dads lack of interrest. at the end of the day, its their loss. sad for the kids, bt theres only so much a mom can do

Reply to LOL
Posted by: Ness | 2008/06/02

My daughters dad and I were like brother and sister till the new girlfriend came along. He is 37 and she is 24 they have a 1 1/2 year old son together now. She fell pregant about 2 months after meeting him. He changed completely towards me. I also had to get lawyers etc. We had a meeting wrt to our child on Saturday because little one is playing up so much re the new woman and he is still to scared to discuss it with her.

His and I have managed to get past it, although it has taken about 2 years, he has seen the effect it has had on our child so that was his turning point.

My best advice is to remain calm and always try take the higher ground, I know its not easy, there were many times when I wanted to beat his head against a wall. But somehow it worked out in the end.

I think that these women can only call the shots for so long and then the man just get fed up with the constant b1tching. I know ex has. The novilty of dating a pretty young thing has warn off and the reality that she has the IQ of a cucummber has set in.

Good Luck

Reply to Ness
Posted by: Phil | 2008/06/02

People do change, but it doesn't sound like he has such a strong character. Any good dad would never ever give the mother of his kids sole custody, unless you are an idiot. Joint custody for both is the only fair option. But some advice. I give my x a time, if she does not respond then she can't have the kids. You also have a life and needs to plan your time. If someone else don't respect that, well then they should learn the hard way. It works.

Reply to Phil
Posted by: Tania | 2008/06/02

my x's gfriend had a huge impact on my kids lives. i think there def is a huge influence, was in our case. she bitchd n moand when he saw the kids, which was almost never. she had a fit about hw much my kids gt 4 xmas. our kids rnt spoilt, they gt gifts on bdays n xmas, so we do spend atleast 1 000 per child. my x told me infront of my teen, that it isnt his prob that we dnt have food, as i hve custody of the kids, its my problem. he was told by gfriend that he had to choose between her n his kids. he chose his kids. since then she has been harrasin my kids, tellin them its their fault that their dad has left her. she refers 2 my kids as retards, stupid, yada,yada. yeah i think the gfriend is playin a huge role in his actions, which i may add is no xcuse. he is a big boy n should grow up. another theory is that he mite b slightly miserable, n misery loves company.
good luck, crappy place to b in, especially the neg effect its gna have on urchild

Reply to Tania

Have your say

Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.
Thanks for commenting! Your comment will appear on the site shortly.