Posted by: zet | 2010/01/17

can leaving save us?

have been married for 4 years, been with him for 10. i think he is a good guy, and yes i love him. but that doesnt make a good marriage. we'  ve had our fights..but nothing drastic. in the last 2 years, after i had our son, he'  s never had anything good to say to me. he'  d say am fat, compare me to my "  skinny friends"  , never spends time with me, doesnt really support financially, weekends are spent with friends...and so on. there'  s no connection, we just live under the same roof. i once raised this with him, said am worried that we dont act like a married couple, but what he heard was "  we are not married"  , and made threats of leaving. everything i say, he understands it wrong, and he'  d shout, scream, swear, call me names....and later want to have sex. i have lost my emotions of having sex with him....but if i dont have sex with him (whatever the reason may be), then he'  d swear, shout, kick me out of our bedroom, not talk for days....if i say something, then its i just keep quite. i have suggested counselling of which he has completely refused. he'  d say i must only sleep in our room if i am going to have sex with him, or else i must use the guestroom. am not getting any emotional, financial, marital (whatever this is) benefit from him. i know nothing about his finances, he'  d say i dont have to know. he is my last resort if i run of money, he'  d shout before he gives it and i'  d have to pay it back. he, however, potrays a glamourous image one would never believe the things he does at home.....making it difficult to approach any of his friends. he doesnt have relatives i can talk to. he'  d say to me if we did things his way, we'  d be happy. so i must have no opinions or questions or suggestions....

i am really drained. i have been for counselling on my own, but this doesnt help the situation. i have become resentful and am bottling a lot inside, because i can never talk to him. we'  d sweep things under the carpet to continue as "  normal"  only to fight again a week later. and so i think, if i leave he'  d realise what damage we'  ve caused, maybe come to his senses .....i know am also not perfect, i have my flaws too. But i am tired.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Dear Zet,

You are very right to say that loving someone doesn't necessarily make a good marriage and from the sound of it, you are quite miserable in your marriage. Although you say he is a good guy and that you do love him, you do describe a rather emotionally abusive person and this is not the way to be in a relationship. You deserve the right to be happy and to flourish as an individual for your sake and your child's sake. If your husband is adamant that he doesn't want to address the issues than the responsibilities to make a decision about your future lies purely on you, but this is where it is usually hard. You have been together a long time and the unknown can be daunting.
You need to establish what you truly want and then establish how to attain it. You may benefit from some divorce coaching, but your present situation is no longer providing what you need and needs to be re-looked seriously.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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