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Question
Posted by: No name | 2006/04/05

Can it work?

oK this is very personal but I hope you can answer my question.
<blush> I am 24 and u could say btm <blush> and I met a guy a while ago who is btm/vers, he's 28, we get along like ahouse on fire and everything is fine in every department and we're getting more serious, its been just over 4 months but Im worried about something, his previous partner was vers and I'm worried that one day he'll miss being btm and I somehow can't live up to that expectation and that he'll go look for it from someone else. Am I being plain crazy or neurotic or stupid? Have other guys had similar situations? Advice please?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi No Name, welcome to our forum and thanks for posting here.

We've often said that we're all located somewhere on a continuum between being totally straight and totally gay. Similarly, we're also all situated somewhere between the extremes of being totally top and totally bottom with most people being versatile to some degree. Wherever each of us is located is fine and adds to our unique sexual identities and the ways in which we express ourselves sexually.

Our sexuality is also fluid and dynamic. Our interests and desires change over time and we respond differently to different partners and in different situations. Your partner may have been versatile in his previous relationship in response to his partner being versatile but now he's chosen to be with you. To date he seems to be happy to be top with you and there's no indication that he's missing anything else. With time you may also find that you become a bit more versatile and that would be OK too.

On another level sex isn't about being top or bottom - it has more to do with expressing ourselves, pleasuring someone else and deriving pleasure ourselves and being physically and emotionally intimate with someone. Sex isn't necessarily about 'roles' and there's a world of sex that isn't related to penetration. Keep the communication between you guys open and sincere and talk about and explore these issues, relax and have plenty of good sex.



The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: No Name | 2006/04/07

Thanks for your comments everyone, especially Expert, what you said makes perfect sense. Have a good weekend.

Reply to No Name
Posted by: Nigel | 2006/04/06

Guys we're not answering the question here - my 10-cents worth. No Name, is that you enjoy every moment of the present and what you guys have, it sounds magicaland there's no reason for this to change, don't anticipate problems and live for the moment, taking a risk is always part of a new relationship and good advice from expert, don't feel stiuck in your 'role' and be open to the flow of things. Best of luck to you guys!

Reply to Nigel
Posted by: Reflecting | 2006/04/06

Hi Thoughtful, you raised some great points, thank you. And no one could take offence at what you said.

Reply to Reflecting
Posted by: Tom | 2006/04/06

LOL at (*) - is that nervous laughter on my part? - but do yourself a favour and read the expert's response to 331 and then use your imagination (as he suggests). So I reckon an agressive btm wears the spurs? Proof that the top isn't always in control and proof of how complicated this sexual identity stuff is. Well done everyone for explaining something so well.

Reply to Tom
Posted by: (*) | 2006/04/06

So can someone please explain to me what an "agressive bottom" is? It sounds like the ultimate contradiction in terms.

Reply to (*)
Posted by: Anon | 2006/04/06

Good post from Neil. From my experience (which isn't much) most guys tend to be more btm - IF they're really honest with themselves. But I also agree with Expert, it changes over time, I've experienced that myself.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: NIkki | 2006/04/06

Hi Thoughtful, i dont think you offended anyone and more perhaps opened a discussion that is worth exploring.

I also believe many guys are indeed influenced by the negative view society has and thus feel the need to put themselves in a "comfort zone" by thinking purely male.

Perhaps off the point, but some food for thought .....
I have met males who view gay guys as a disgrace for the male kingdom and I have always wondered why these very same macho guys would then resort to "male-rape" so as to teach the "sissie" a leason??? After all these macho's HATE the idea of anal penetrating another male, dont they??

I also believe that being gay and being in denial can be very dangerous, just look at the posting and experience of Donkey.

It comes down to be honest with oneself, then really making the effort to find answers and get to know oneself.

Reply to NIkki
Posted by: Thoughful | 2006/04/06

Just a question - I'm just thoughful about something due to the above posting - would appreciate other's oppoinions:

1. As we search for our identity & become comfortable within ourselves, is it easier to say we're "Bi" as to hang onto some "masculine" concept of ourselves?? That we consciously use the term "bi" and not gay because it's safer to identify with "bi" than gay???

2. Similarly, isn't it easier to say that we're "versitile" than to admit that our prefernce is actually bottom as being bottom carries certain "negative" connotations? For me, I think many gay guys equate a certain amount of shame & guilt to being penetrated or being labled as bottom.
On the flip side of the coin, many gay guys feel more powerful or masculine if they portray the role of being top.

I wonder if this is not linked to the way we view the role of women in society - that women are less (some bodies matter - and others don't... we are all equal, but some are more equal than others...).

I'm a gay guy, and identify as a top - not that I'm averse to being penetrated - just that it's extremely painful (due to some bad experiences & techniques I guess with previous partners) but I have always been open to exploring "that route" with the right partner.

I hope that my "thoughtfulness" was expalined properly - it's not meant to offend.

Thanks for listening.

Reply to Thoughful
Posted by: Neil | 2006/04/05

Since we're being frank here, everyone I meet seems to be a btm. Seriously. Even if they say theyre versatile, and sometimes even if they say theyre top. Sometimes I think all guys are btm. This is just a observation, certainly not a complaint ;)

Reply to Neil

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