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Posted by: Mickey Spouse. | 2010/05/21

Can he just quit after a lifetime of loving it.

My husband of nine years (we have met about 11/12 years ago and have a stunning 6 y.o. daughter) is bisexual and had spend a lot of time on the computer gathering photo''s of men. Athletes, underwear models, gays, naked men, men in bondage (which he is also into), etc. I was never against it since I understand that men (and women, surely) sometimes have an underlying . . . fetish, or obsession, given my own past. I was raised in a household where maternal deprivation and mental abuse by both my parents was my way of life. There was no interest in my well-being and friends got payed to watch me and report my every move so they can can have reasons to beat me up and make me understand that I am unworthy of their love and attention. I was raised loveless and that moved me to do things I regret. I am angry today to have the history I have, and I have to live with it. My father apologized and I forgave him but my mother can''t accept that she did anything wrong, her life revolves around her and everyone must crawl before her. She has no friends and lost the love and respect of her son that got all the love and support she could muster since the day he was born. Now suddenly she keep telling me how much she loves me and how much she miss me and my family. We moved to NZ a year ago. She always had me under her thumb and I think she reckons that I will still try to please her. That''s not gonna happen. I''ve been told to cut her out of my life because trying to help her see herself through the eyes of the world will get me nowhere. She will never change. Pity, cause my dad is a good guy but alone and under her command. She told me more that once that he will pay for what he did to her (he was verbally abusive to her and me when he was still the bread-winner) for the remainder of his life. He''s been reduced to a pity of a man and never gets to speak cause she won''t let him. My husband knows about my past (I did everything that is considered awful and destructive) and it looks like he made peace with it. I think. Can''t be sure. Anyway, through the years he participated in bondage with other men, being the slave. I never told him to quit it because he ''needed'' it and I understood. At the beginning he was a wonderful lover and appreciative. We did it all the time for 3 excellent years. One day though everything changed. Just like that. I had no idea what happened. We started doing it less and less and he started withholding things from me like attention, respect . . . That was the beginning of the end. We stopped talking. Sharing. I changed from a person that would do anything to keep him happy (I was literally a ray of sunshine everyone said) to someone I never knew I could be. Silent, depressed and later hateful and spiteful. I hated the person I was becoming. Today I hardly ever laugh. I''m unhappy and don''t trust him at all. My life revolves around my daughter and the wonderful friend I made here. So, the other day I simply had enough. I always told him that I understand and won''t ever hold it against him, AS LONG AS he talks about it and include me by not getting all secretive and doing things behind my back without telling me. I simply wanted him to feel he could talk about it openly. But he started getting secretive and refused to talk about it. He would spend hours and hours behind the computer talking to men and downloading gay porn and images. We started to drift apart. A week ago I simply couldn''t do it anymore and told him I''m planning to move out with our child and give him time to consider what is important to him. That same day he stopped. (I obviously have no idea what, or who frankly, he does during the day.) From the next morning he wants sex every single morning. (We''ve had sex about 4 times during the last 14 months). And he enjoys groping me now. My breasts used to be very ''responsive'' and a touch won me over immediately, but now there''s nothing, just extreme irritation. I offer myself to him, but don''t care much for pleasure at all. All of a sudden he also care if I have pleasure while he never cared much about it. He seems to know my every move. Literally everything. He knows when I''m at home, on the computer, where I''ve been. It''s disturbing. But that doesn''t bother me anymore. I also don''t care about looking my best anymore, neither am I feeling self-conscience (?) about my big butt or hairy legs. Why should I? I can not think that the life he''s been leading since puberty can be stopped overnight. How can I trust him? I''m worried that he''ll go even deeper underground now . . .

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, folks, but I really can't handle these EXTREMELY long messages - it's just not prtactical. Also, it is useful for you to edit down to the nitty-gritty of the problem, as this helps you to understand the situation better. This is FAR too complex a set of intertwined problems to be usefully dealt with in this format - it has no simply and summaizable answers. DO see a good local counnsellor to dicsuss this all in depth, and clarify what exactly are the problems and how they may best be dealt with.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: cybershrink | 2010/05/22

Sorry, folks, but I really can't handle these EXTREMELY long messages - it's just not prtactical. Also, it is useful for you to edit down to the nitty-gritty of the problem, as this helps you to understand the situation better. This is FAR too complex a set of intertwined problems to be usefully dealt with in this format - it has no simply and summaizable answers. DO see a good local counnsellor to dicsuss this all in depth, and clarify what exactly are the problems and how they may best be dealt with.

Reply to cybershrink
Posted by: XXX | 2010/05/21

I pretty much agree with " woman"  but find it hard to accept that you actually allow your man to have sex with other men (let alone other women) ! The nasty diseases out there put you in the very high level risk category.
I think you need to take stock of yourself and start looking after your body etc again.Have pride in yourself and never allow your children to be negatively impacted.
Good luck

Reply to XXX
Posted by: Woman | 2010/05/21

Hi there, Firstly I want to say that I think you are a wonderful woman and wife. Not many married women are as open as you about things of a sexual nature. If more women were like you, less marriages will end. You seem to accept sexuality as a normal part of life and that is healthy.

However, I think that you have lost yourself a little - it seems that the stuff that happened in the past keep cropping up in the present. I also think you''re depressed. There is nothing wrong with your inside, it''s just a chemical in your brain that isn''t working too well.

Then there''s a past where emotional abuse featured. Not feeling loved by your mother can really bugger a child up. You need to deal with this. Then theres'' your husband. I think he loves you. I also think that he''s been involved in an affair with one or more other people. What you described is typical affair behavior. I think he got caught up in it and got a wake up call when you said you were leaving.

Obviously you are feeling betrayed and unloved. And this is something the two of you will have to sort out. He needs to see a sexologist and the two of you a couples counselor.

I know this seems like a lot of people to go see and that it seems easier to just walkaway.The problem with that is that you can never walk far enough. Somewhere and soon enough, the same issues will crop up. It''s far better to deal with them now, and learn what you need to learn from them, so you can get on with the business of living your life.

You don''t really want to project your issues on your daughter, do you? Because that is precisely what will happen if you don''t deal with your issues. We all want to raise our kids to be better and healthier that us. To have it easier than us. Being happy and healthy in your body, your heart and your soul is the first step.

I am lighting a candle for you today.

Reply to Woman

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