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Question
Posted by: justwrong | 2005/11/24

brotherly love ?

Something happened last week Thursday which has left me very confused. I am 25 years old. Let me say up front that I have been dating the same girl for the last 4 years and we plan to marry next year February and I have never cheated on her or even thought about it. I know that I love her.

I am an only child but I have a “brother” of sorts, D. My father and his best friend, D’s dad, grew up together and are partners in a law firm. I have known D and his family all my life. We are the same age and were born four days apart. We have done everything together, from preschool to university. We have lived in our digs together since first year at Varsity, and now work at our Dads firm. D is even dating my girlfriend’s sister and they plan to marry next year as well. So he is the person I know best and who has shared every significant moment of my life.

The thing that happened, is this… We both are well built with muscle, but I am much taller than him, so I am always careful when we horse around. Last Thursday, we had a huge fight and I punched him on the nose. I did not plan to and was as shocked by it as he. It bled, a lot and he passed out at the sight of the blood, (that always happens when he sees his blood). I immediately felt so guilty that I picked him up and sat on the couch and held him in my arms till he came too. I was so angry at myself that I started cry, ( that always happens to me).

When he came too, he saw that I was crying so he started talking really softly to me and we both ended up apologizing for what happened and for letting our fight get out of hand. Then I got this weird feeling and for some stupid reason I reached down and kissed his lips. At first it was just a quick kiss, but he smiled up at me and I wanted to do it again so I did and we ended up really making out on the couch till we fell asleep.

I can honestly say that I have never wanted to make out with a guy before that moment when I kissed D. Now all I can think about is being with him on that couch. We have both been totally weird and strange around each other, and D wants to talk it out. I just sort of hoped we could ignore it. I don’t think I am gay, because he is the only man I like in that way. But this can’t happen because it would destroy the relationship between three families which goes back to before any of us kids were born. And what if he does not feel the way I do, it would break up the longest and strongest relationship I have had with anyone.

Am I confusing a brotherly love for something more, am I just in a weird place and will this thing go away, and why am I so sad at the thought that it might. How do I sort out my head when there are things I might want which a man should never feel and which might end up hurting so many people I love…? I have always done what is expected of me and I have worked so hard for what I have especially the respect of my family, friends and work colleagues. I can’t do this to them now. Why is this happening to me and why now? What can I do?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

YOu do need to take the time to sit down with D ( maybe not on the same couch !) and talk sincerely through what happened between you, and discover how he feels about it. It is not necessarily homosexual to have tender feels of affection for another man, though most men choose to ignore this or to express it in rough-housing to try to make it seem more butch than it really is. V's remarks make good sense, too. And remember that sexuality isn't a toggle switch, either a or b --- most people are somewhere on a continuum between exclusively heterosexual and exclusively homosexual, so a fair proportion of men have some homosexual experiences within their lives, while remaining predominantly heterosexual.
This issue will not just go away if you ignore it and pretend that nothing happened. Your initial kiss may have been a mixture of affection, relief that he was all right, etc. But BOTH of you decided to continue with the "making out" session on the couch. So both of you need to be involved in talking it out. But the event probably has nothing whatever to do with your regular and lasting personal sexuality, your wedding, or anything else. As Whooz says, IT HAPPENS, and need cause no lasting problems unless you absolutely insist that it must.
And may I add that i am impressed by the quality of the three responses this query received from other readers ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pete | 2005/11/30

Just wrong, I would be interested to Know how you are doing ?

Reply to Pete
Posted by: Pete | 2005/11/25

What a honest and sincere note. The fact of the matter the relationship you have with D is a very strong one. Marriage is built around an emotional bond between two people, best friendship is sustained by an emotional bond as well; the act of sex should not define who you are but is a manifestation of the deep nature of your friendship with D. The anger that you felt by punching him and then making up the way you did says to me that your feelings for D are intense, you really care about him. The fact that you have done everything together your girlfriends are sisters tells me that you share a common existence and you want to share a common future. Forget the GAY sex issue it always and its social implications it always makes people make the wrong decisions in their life. In my opinion and I am far from an expert, You both acre about each other, you are only human, follow your heart and not your head in this case: I totally disagree with Whooz about not fantasizing etc, dont be a prisoner of your mind, go with the flow, you are only a man not superman; in later life people who block emotions from the heart suffer intense pain which leads to physcological problems....... My advise is take time off on your own and listen to your heart, listen closely, in matters of the heart like love the heart decides not the head< if you know whats in your heart than the head must take note and make the plans, I have been there.

Reply to Pete
Posted by: Whooz | 2005/11/25

You guys are soooo adorable!!! It's the sweetest story i've ever read on this site. I don't think you're gay. You just love the man (as a brother), you got carried away. IT HAPPENS. Don't make to big-a-deal about it. Talk it over and let it rest. Don't fantasize about it, because it will confuse/control you. Just go on as normal after you two talked and laughed about it. Do not let this thing ruin your friendship. LEAVE THE FAMILY OUT OF IT! It's your business.

Reply to Whooz
Posted by: Friend | 2005/11/25

This is really a very difficult situation and I agree with D that you should talk it out. By ignoring the problem, it won't go away. It happened and stirred up feelings in both of you and you need to talk it out. What happened changed everything forever.

What happened, don't necessarily mean either of you are gay or that both your future wedding plans has to be affected by this. The tension of the whole situation, firstly the fight, the passing out, the blood, the crying, all of that stirred up all kinds of emotions and feelings in both of you and sometimes something weird like this can happen in this context.

I think you really have to go and sit and think about yourself, what your real feelings are. Perhaps go and see a psychologist for a few sessions to help you in this regard. If it turns out that you are indeed gay, then take it from there.

I wish you all the best in this difficult situation.

Reply to Friend
Posted by: V | 2005/11/25

Just be who you are. By pretending you will please everyone but yourself. I would suggest you discuss this issue with D first try and sort it out together, then make your decision from there. If you know you are not gay, then maybe it was just an overwhelming emotion of love and i dont mean sexual love but love you've experienced by growing up together. The making out part on the couch is a bit confusing though, only the two of you can decide what to make of it, but please never lead your life to please people around you.

Reply to V

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