Posted by: boyd | 2009/01/06

brother in law causing problems

first off
I am angry with myself for saying yes. 4 months ago my brother in-law called wanting to stay with us for about 2 months. My Wife his sister was excited and we agreed for him to stay. It has been 4 months and no motivation to get work for any kind of money.
he is rude and slams there neice constanly. I work away from home and am only there on weekends. When i am there all i here about is she does this he does that and it just stresses me to no end.
He has no motivation he does dishes and takes out the trash but does not pay for food or cigs or gas and it just doesnt seem to bother him. He says he appreciates everything but no signs of trying to make the situation better. OH by the way he is 54 and i find myself spending more time away from home by choice. I have been married for 13 years and this is destroying it

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Our expert says:
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Hi Boyd

Your wife must have been glad to have her brother with you and I can understand her excitement. You did say that he was going to be ther for 2 months and not more.

You have a problem in that he shaows no sign of enabling himself and has become a sponge. Both you and your wife need to establish some boundaries. A boundary is defines as "What is mine is mine and what is yours is yours". He is stepping over all your boundaries and is not respecting you.

He is 54 and needs to take some responsibilty for his life. You stay away because it reduces conflict and this is not good for your relationship with your wife. Get her on board and tell her how you feel, but remember she may be very defensive as blood is blood. Tell her how you feel without being angry and then, as a team, be assertive with your brother in law, not aggressive.

Your anger stems from frustration and a sense of invasion of your privacy.

Mike Lacey-Smith
Life Coach for Men

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: boyd | 2009/01/15

have been gone 2 weeks now and the stories that my told me about wanting her brother gone according to her email just vanished. She says he will be standing in line at the homless shelter and this is all my fault. she says i have isolated her again and that i am sick. well i e mailed and said that i wouldnt bother her family anymore and i expected the same. She made up all kinds of acusations. No one there is taking any responsability and i dont want in that mess anymore.

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Posted by: wakaa | 2009/01/14

Brother, you are making life difficult for yourself and that will not help you either. Blood or no blood, your wife must know that you are not a blood relative of hers. If there are issues or people (even brothers) of her blood that need to be taken care of, then the answer is obvious, blood relatives must take that responsibility, not inlaws, period! Sometimes we ask questions of which the answers are quite obvious, for fear of being lebelled rude or harsh. My dear, you know the answer: tell your wife in a very good tone that her brother MUST GO. Don' t worry about where he must go, it' s not your problem, don' t even get into the discussion of where he MUST GO, otherwise you will become part of the group that will decide where he MUST GO. Don' t suffer in silence because of other people, it will not even give you an automatic entry ticket into the Kingdom of God. So be straight and let your brother in law go. It' s better to be called a bad person than to suffer in silence............ That' s unfortunately my foolish advice and that' s unfortunately how I deal with and approach issues in my life. I have been called names, but as long as I sway the scale in my favour and as long as things are done my way, I remain happy.

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