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Question
Posted by: Kay | 2006/04/18

Break up then death, what to do

My boyfriend broke up with me in December after living together for 5 years. We just stopped putting in effort and our relationship suffered for it. We love each othervery much but he said he had lost himself but still wanted to remain friends. It was a very amicable breakup. I was devastated but slowly got on top of things and started dating a new man in March. When he found out he decided he had made a mistake and wanted me back, he even said we can get married. I gave this careful thought and realised that even though i love him deeply, none of our problems were solved and that it wouldnt work. When i didnt go back to him he started to get depressed and was battling to come to terms with the loss. On top of this now, our best friend was killed last week and he is devastated. This is our second friend to be killed in 3 years. He isnt coping with this sudden tragedy and this has made him realise even more that he doesnt want to lose me. I love him so much and want to take his pain away. I dont want to hurt the man i am seeing now, but i just feel that my ex needs me. Will going back to him be a mistake in the long run? My new man doesnt understand why i am trying to support my ex. I am just so confused now. I know i love him but is the heartache of our friend dying, skewing my logic. will getting back together under these circumstances be right??

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Our expert says:
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Sounds like you were very sensible, Kay --- unless something definitive has been done, as in couples counselling, to solve the problems that have arisen and to prevent future problems, it is indeed rather likely thaqt they will recur. And one might be concerned that he "decided he had made a mistake" only when you ad started dating someone else. Dont rush back into the relationship simply to try to ease his grief and his loneliness as such. He should see a counsellor to work on his own sadness and grief, and if you want to seriously consider getting back with him, decide this only after you two have worked for a while with a relationship counsellor. You are both grieving for the loss of your mutual friend, and that is indeed very sad, but not a good reason for getting back together again at this stage. I agree with Tango and Honey

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Our users say:
Posted by: G | 2006/04/19


Apologies for friends passing away. My advise here is to listen to your heart. as you have put it clearly saying you love him him deeply. Avoid rebounding you certainly know what you had unlike going to what you don't know. I woulod advise you to get back with him reason being that the current affair is only 2months old dont know where it is leading, I'd rather be hurt by someone i have been with as the pain won't hit as much as the 1st time.I know risks are there but they have to calculated risks which i am sure EX have done calculations as well.
if you can consider this, you still have lots of BUGGAGE which in turn is gonna destroy your soul in the current affair more especialy that your know the now boyfriend is obviously having doubts about u & EX. another BUGGAGE as well on his side. New b/f will try everything to charm you so you forget about EX.But in mean time it will put so much harm(which in future he will bring up during arguing) to him as he should see it by know that you still have felings for the other.Take this from a man's point of view.
I stand for correction on this one though. Follow your HEART. CIAO.

Reply to G
Posted by: Honey | 2006/04/18

Hi Kay

I'm sorry about your best friend but i don't think getting back together with your ex under these circumstances will be right, he broke up with you for a reason and wanting to marry you coz you are with someone else shows that he is just desperate. You really need to think this through before you make any decision of course you can be there for him as a friend, don't be with him coz you feel sorry for him the fact that you didn't go back to him means something and going back now won't solve your problems.

What do you think would happen when he's back on his feet again? He ask you to be just his friend and i think you should be just that, help him with the loss of your friend but don't allow your emotions to hide the real reason you are not together anymore.

Hope you'll make the best decision for yourself and if you made the wrong one don't worry just make sure you learn from it for now do what will truly make you happy in the long run.

Good luck.

Reply to Honey
Posted by: Tango | 2006/04/18

Whew Kay, I can understand your dilema. Its fine to support a friend during tough times but this maybe not the right thing for you right now. Your ex must have other supportive people around him and cannot rely on you to provide it at the risk of your new relationship. Are you feeling a bit guilty maybe? He could be playing on that a bit as well. If the problems that drove you apart were not resolved your reasons for returning are not sound. You two would both need to go for relationship counselling before getting to gether again.

If you value the current person you are involved with be open and honest with him about how this is all affecting you and have his support at this time. Involve him otherwise he may feel a bit threatened that he is not sharing what you are going through. If you want to offer support to your ex perhaps do it together with your current partner.

Reply to Tango

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