Posted by: Gita | 2009/07/23

brainless fiance

I just want someone to listen to me. For me to get out the pain I am feeling out and help me get on one more day. I am trying to stay happy and positive it is just hard sometimes. I am pregnant, already in the 3rd trimester. The person I used to call my fiance changed just after I got pregnant to a distant person that I don' t even recognise anymore. For a long time he did not have a job, he stayed in my house, drove my car, earlier this year I had family issues with my family complaining that I am staying with a man who has not married me, he only gave me an engagement ring two years back, he still has not paid lobola according to our tradition which would mean we are officially engaged. He struggled and I was there for him. after I spoke to him about my family' s concerns, and that I understand their concerns but also understand that he has to get a job first and then he can think of getting his own place. one day he just packed his things and left and said he was going to stay with an old friend of his, this was a guy who got him in to trouble once, he ended up in jail for two weeks, the case against him was withdrawn, the friend was guilty. by this time I found out I was about 6 weeks pregnant. his reaction was mixed, though it was an expected pregnancy. I tried to stop him from moving out until he got a job, but he was determined. so he moved and he said I could not visit him there because his friend hated me. he even started to answering my calls at night when I acalled him. it was hard for me, but what else could I do. I suspect he got involved with whatever this guy was doing, all of a sudden he bought a car, got a place, which I also was not free to visit anytime, he was forever not available, saying he is working, even way late in the night. Now he moved to a nicer place, he refused to give me keys to his place telling me stories. I hung on to this guy, in my mind thinking I had a good famiy upbringing and would like to afford my child the same. he has since never really been available to me, to spend time with me like in the past, I always have to ask him for his time, and when he wants he tells me stories about how busy he is, doing what, I don' t know. I have found messages of ladies in his phone saying they miss his kisses, such things. as a result my pregnancy has not been an enjoyable time. After he gave me one more excuse when we were supposed to meet, I told him I am letting him go, since I can' t continue living like this. It has hurt me too much how things have changed, but I realise I don' t have control over the kind of life he chose for himself. He is only there when I have to go to the doctors. when I say we do not have a relationship anymore, he says I am imagining it. He refused to go for counselling. I gave up. I have been fighting a loosing battle. I know he is not worth the trouble, but why is it still so hard to let it go and forget about him completely. I have stopped calling him though, no matter how hard it is. I just want to feel loved at this time. I am scared of the time after the baby is born. He obviously has another woman in his life, but he still wants to be involved in our child' s life. Honestly if I could run away, move to another country to protect my child and me, I would do it, but where do I start. I am stressed and I don' t wanna stress anymore, I know he will have a problem if I started dating again in time, But how do I live like this? I realise how stupid I' ve been to hang on to the relationship for so long even after he changed so much. I love my baby, but I can' t stop kicking myself for having him as the father. i feel better now that I got this out of my chest. can u believe we used to go to church together and prayed together, but now it' s a different story. after he got his own car he even expected us tp drive in different cars to church. I' ve taken more than I can now. How do people just change like this? I am in a fix and I don' t know how to get out. Sometimes I wish he should just be arrested and be locked away for a long long time

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Our expert says:
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Obviously this has been very distressing for you. Its so understadale that you would like your child to have a happy family to grow up in, but this guy doesn't sound mature enough, responsible enough, sensible enough to provide that background. I understand why you hoped for more from him, but it makes sense that you have recopgnized that he is not capable of what you need from him. If he is continuing to be involved with sinister guys perhaps involved in crime, he can being nothing good for you or the baby
Try to see a counsellor to get support and someone to listen and help you cope ; and do draw on the support of your own family

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Liza | 2009/07/23

Sounds like he' s either a pimp, drug dealer or gigolo. Definitely untrustworthy. Cut him out of your life and sue for maintenance. He still has a right to see his child though and I think it' s important for children to know that their parents care for them, even if they don' t live together. Unfortunately he is always going to be around, but this should not stop you from having another relationship with someone else in the future.

Good Luck

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Wendy | 2009/07/23

I' m sorry to hear that you are in a bad situation. Dump his sorry-|-and fast! You don' t need a person like that in your life. He obviously wants the best of both worlds and unfortunately it does not work like that. Sue him for maintenance for your child and carry on without him. By the sounds of it he is obviously involved in something sinistar and you don' t want to be associated with that. Use this time before the baby is born to concentrate on you and getting yourself ready for you and your child. Best of luck

Reply to Wendy

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