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Question
Posted by: Lien | 2005/01/07

Boyfriend struggle to accept children

Hi everybody

I am torn in half today! I really need your input and advice - PLEASE give me your thoughts on this one!

My 2 children are with their dad for the holiday. My little girl is 5 years old and my boy is 9. They are beautiful children - not only in appearance, but have such nice manners and are real easy children. Usually everybody likes them and I always get compliments from people about my children. Well, since my boyfriend moved in with me about a year ago, he struggles to get along with them. He is 26 years old. I am 29. He complains about everything they do. The children and I made a few adaptions to fit him. Still he gets so irritated by them and is so frustrated.

Yesterday evening he told me that if they got manupilated by their dad and irritates and frustrates him, it is over between us. He loves me and wants to be with me, but he can't get himself to accept the children.

I feel in this case then that he doesn't truly love me. If he loved me enough and wanted me badly to be with him, he would do ALL in his power to try to get to know and love the children. He says it is not necessarily so. That he DO love me, but the children is too much.

Do you guys think that this is something that we can overcome? Is there anything to be done to change the situation, or is this a lost case and should I just give up and let it be?

This is so hard for me. I love my kids more than my own life, but I also love this man so much!

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Our expert says:
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Well, to me a woman with minor children is a package deal, and one can't truly love the woman without accepting and ultimately loving the children too, or the relationship doesn't work out. The hurdle in thjis case might be overcome, if he recognized that HE has a problem here, and he wants to overcome it --- relationship / couples counselling could help here. Do you love the man you thought he was ? OR do you love a man who can't love your children ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Mickey | 2005/01/07

Little kids have an amazing sense of whats going on around them and growing up with somebody who is irritated by them will affect them later in life. Your kids deserve to be loved and grow up in a stable home where they can be secure in who they are and believe in their parents. Believe me that growing up with a step parent who doesnt love you is not an easy thing to do and it is something you are always aware of. Do you want you children to grow up with someone around who will undermine them whenever he can. I dont think its worth it, and I think that if he cannot accept them then thats his bad luck.

Reply to Mickey
Posted by: sm | 2005/01/07

i think if he loves you he has to accept your kids as well, they they are part of your life.

i have a 7 month baby which i love very murch, therefore the man that i'm going to get have to accept and love my child as his own.

therefore, i think you shold let him go, if is not prepared to love your kids. As bllod is thinker that water.

Reply to sm
Posted by: Chelle | 2005/01/07

If he doesn't want to be helped, then I am afraid, you will have to leave this man. Seems like you are setting yourself up for a difficult time - a life of being inbetween this man and your children, trying to keep the peace. It's not always easy for a man to accept the children and he is still quite young too, but the issue here is that he isn't prepared to go for help - this says mountains about all sorts of things.
As the mom, your responsibility is towards your children first and foremost.
Tell him that if he doesn't go for counselling and help with this issue, then it's over. Don't allow him to threaten you, regarding your children's behaviour. Keep the issue between the two of you. And the major issue here is not your children, but the fact that HE doesn't want to get help in learning to accept them.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: Kay | 2005/01/07

Looks like you need to choose. If your man cannot accept your children then you need to decide which is more important. Being a parent means some self sacrifice (as I'm sure you know) and this is probably one of those times when you need to put them above yourself.

I wish you all the luck in handling this situation.

Reply to Kay
Posted by: Lien | 2005/01/07

I suggested that we talk to our local Psychologist. She is a young woman, but very, very nice. He didn't want to go. Said what would she think of him - that he couldn't solve his own problems!

I talked to her and forward her advice to him. He was very upset. Told me because I have done that he will now NEVER speak to her. She must think he is spineless.

I am weary to make such a suggestion again. I have a book of Dr Arnold Mohl and asked him to read it, but didn't want to because he didn't have time and don't like reading.

Sounds to me that he doesn't want to put any effort in trying. If I mention this, he gets angry and said he has tried alot, but the kids doesn't accept him. He is tired of trying. And realy, according to me, he has done only a few small things. Man, if you love someone you don't give up THAT easily! Or am I just being judgemental now?

Reply to Lien | 1 comment (hide)
Posted by: Augusta | 2013/03/04

I think you know that you need to leave this man, it's just a difficult step and you're trying to postpone the inevitable. It's not going to be easy but it is what you need to do for your mental health and for your children. Whenever you start to think about how this is impactin you and you're losing a man you love, think about your kids and how they feel or rather how they are going to feel in five or ten years living with someone who is always on their case. It sounds like your boyfriend would be happy to just be in a ralationship with you, and the fact that you have kids is a downer. Your children should be cherished and loved not made to feel like they shouldn't be there or are not wanted. You should go to counselling and get as much support from friends and family as you can and come up with a plan to leave this man. Good Luck.

Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/01/07

The man i'm involved with has 3 kids (3,6,8). It's very difficult as you can imagine.

But if you care for this person you have to try and care for their children as well.

Your children are not going to "go away" they will be there for a long time still, it's not as if he did not know you had them a year ago???? He will have to accept them WITH you (a package deal) or then move out and on.

Lulu once spoke about a book called Stepparenting if he's prepared to work on it get the book, go for counseling ?

Good luck!!

Reply to CP MOM

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