Posted by: Charmed1 | 2009/04/06

Boyfriend has a baby

My boyfriend of 7 months has a 6 month old daughter. He and the mother of his baby boy were already broken up when she found out that she was expecting. My boyfriend and I have an incredible relationship, all the ingredients for a healthy relationship are present. His ex is not the nicest of people and didn' t want him to take his son for one day at the weekend because she doesn' t want him around me. I totally understand, my cousin is a single parent and has had a very difficult break up so I see first hand what she goes through, this gave me a better understanding of the situation that his ex is in. I am sure that if I was in the same situation I would have some feelings of resentment and anger also. My boyfriend made the unpopular decision of going through with the break up even though she was pregnant, I am sure that she is still feeling hurt. She also doesn' t want me around her son because (I' m hoping this is the reason and she is not trying to be vindictive) she wants stability for her son and needs to make sure that I am not just a passing fling.

I don' t have any kids of my own and the situation is really really tough (the books and articles I have been reading hasn' t prepared me for the real deal). My boyfriends ex is very dependant on him, she is a bit younger than both of us and was in Varsity when she fell pregnant, he pays for everything, her flat etc.and basically makes demands because as she puts it, she didn' t ask for it.

She recently allowed my boyfriend to have his son every other weekend. Last Saturday was the first time I spent time with them together. It was very strange, it was weird for me to see my boyfriend in his role as a father. I also didn' t feel any connection to his son...this is normal right? I felt like I couldn' t do this afterwards (be in a relationship with someone that has a child), but I know that I want this man in my life. Am I being too hard on myself by expecting to have an instant bond (I feel horrible for not feeling anything), how can I go about bonding with his son better?

Words of wisdom from anyone in a similar situation?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I hpe you're right in your interpretation of his ex's motives. Everyone must remember that the child is the one totally innocent person in this, and the child's interests must be paramount. Instant bonding, except ( and even then not always ) between birth mother and her own birth child, is uncommon, and not necessary. Why should you feel instant love for a child, however innocent, who represents his previous relatonship, and who you don'tnow yet. Give it time.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kelly | 2009/04/06

Why does your boyfriend pay for his ex' s expenses? I' d leave my boyfriend if he was paying for his ex girlfriends flat. And the baby is not a good reason- that is why there is maintenance. It seems as though the ex may be a problem but don' t think about that when you try bond witht the son.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Mica | 2009/04/06

Please check my post and you will find really good advise. the topic is " Am i being unreasonably?" . Be strong and know what you want, if that' s not what you want for the rest of your life run while you still can!

Reply to Mica
Posted by: anon | 2009/04/06

I wouldn' t be suprised if he leaves you for the mother of his child. they say new brooms sweep clean. the excitement of a new relationship may wear out and gues where he' ll look?especially if the woman is totally dependent on him?

Reply to anon
Posted by: JP | 2009/04/06

There is hell to come in that relationship my friend. Why dont you go and look for someone who doesnt have problem like this one

Reply to JP

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