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Question
Posted by: Concerned Mother | 2006/04/11

Boyfriend from "Unstable" family

Hi, I believe I brought my daughter up to make her own decisions and will never critisize or interfere but will only advise if asked for advice. My daughter of 20 has been seeing this young man for the past 13 months. He is 25 years old. My concerns are as follows:-
1. He questions every single thing she does and suspects that she lies to him about absolutely everything.
2. he wants to know 24 hours 7 days a week where she is and what she is doing, in detail.
3. he wants her to be with him constantly and does not approve of her spending time with us, her family.(We are/were very close)
4. he comes from a backround with about 6 divorces between his mother and father. At times they had no roof over their head and food to eat.
I am concerned because we all know that a girl of 20 will NOT listen to advice or her head for that matter. I can see that she WILL suffer abuse if she marries this man, even physical abuse.
How should I handle this? I do want her to be happy and loved and all the other nice things I have in my relationship, but this is just NOT it.

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Our expert says:
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He sounds like a very immature, over-controlling and insecure young man, and not a great bet for a secure and happy long-term relationship. It is a problem with a young person like your daughter who is reluctant to take advice, and may insist on making mistakes, before learning from them. You may have more success if you try, not telling her what she should do, but talking with her about these observations you have made, perhaps relating them to some of your own life experiences, and asking her what she thinks, how she handles his extremes of jealousy and controlling behaviour, and how she thinks this will develop in the future --- in other words, the conversation would be supportive and sympathetic and exploratory, helping her to think about these problems, and trying to help her to reach the same conclusions you've already eached, rather than handing them to her on a plate she will reject.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: concerned mom | 2006/04/11

Thanks for the advice. I am just so very scared she is going to end up marrying this man, have babies etc etc before she wakes up and then it is too late. he has been talking about marraige.
She is a fashion model and has the entire world open to her, with her family's support, but lately she has only had eyes for him. Even when she gets booked for shows or shoots she does not look like she is enjoying it as much as she used to. There is always a somewhat "rushed look" to her. This man has been all over the world, travlled etc and is now ready to settle!!! So you see, I desperately don't want her to let the opportunities pass her by. She is a wonderfull, sensitive, open child and I love her to bits. If I did'nt I would have left her to make these mistakes I foresee.

Don't you think it will help if I send her to another city to study in stead of locally? Somewhere where she will be "allowed" to notice other people, mix with them and have a good time? I desperately want to tell him to give her a break, but I don't want her to have to take sides.

We are an average middle class family. He has now started critisizing her "upbringing". For example, if she does something he does not approve of, he will start his sentence with "I don't know if it is because of the way you were brought up, but....." She says she is not offended by this and feels that he needs to justify the fact that he "had hardly any upbringing"?

Reply to concerned mom
Posted by: Me | 2006/04/11

I think what you can do is to sit down with her and raise your concerns. make it a point that you start by indicating that you dont mean to interfere in her relationships and ultimately its her choice to date whoever she wants to. Then you can tell her that as a mother you are concerned about certain things that are happening in the relationship, that make you uneasy. try not to really focus on the dynamics of the boyfriends family, but rather on the HIS destructive behaviour that might be harmful to her. (whether or not he comes from a family with 6 divorces is not the point. there are so many people who come out of such situations strong and normal people with healthy relationships)

she might not listen to you, but even if she doesnt, oneday she will appreciate that you tried to caution her about certain things. i think that is what is important. i wish my mom would have been more open with me and cautioned me, as i would have made the right choices. Goodluck!!

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