Posted by: Sherry | 2009/04/23

Boyfriend doesn' t want kids

Hi Doc, i am 34 and my boyfriend is 33. We have been dating for almost 2 years now. I want children, i always wanted to have a family but unfortunately i was never blessed or lucky enough to get the right man. I made it very clear from the beginning of the relationship that i wanted to get married and have children. My boyfriend never made it clear of what exactly he wanted from our relationship.
I raised the issue last year and he said he is not ready and he has financial issues, and he wants to finish his degree first. I understood and i waited.
This is he last year of studies, and his finances has improved a lot. I felt we can start trying to have a child. I am concerned about my age and i don' t want to miss the opportunity of being a mother.
I raised the issue with him again resently, he still says he is not ready for marriage and children. I asked him what is his plan is he planning to date me forever without ever marrying me. He says he loves me and he doesn' t want to loose what we have. But if you love someone how can you be prepared to loose the person because of fears of unknown.
I tried to get the real reason why isn' t he ready, but i' m not getting any concrete answer or anything that makes sense.
He says he thinks he has a phobia, all this is unbelievable to me.
All in all he is a wonderful person, he is not giving me any problems. We are generally happy, the problem only arise when i ask him when are we ever going to get married or have children. He just becomes depressed and withdrawn.
I don' t know what to door what to make out of this i suggested to him to go see a psychologist. I am not sure if we should both see a couple psychologist or he must go alone or i should just end this relationship. I do love the guy and this is the only meaningful relationship i' ve ever had. Am i being unreasonable?

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Our expert says:
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It sounds as though your principle focus is on having children, and that this is NOT the focus of your bf. Maybe he loves you, in his way, and he enjoys the relationship AS IT IS, but he may not actually want the added responsibility andchores of having children --- some people just don't want that. Why not see a couples counsellor together, for some sessions, to identify the issues and the best way to proceed --- to clarify whether it is realistic tom continue the relationship, if your individual needs and desires can become compatible or are not going to fit ?

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