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Question
Posted by: Worried | 2004/01/11

boyfriend cannot control his anger

I need help
I have been with my b/friend for over 4 years now & he has always had the same problem. When he gets angry-he gets VERY angry! (Especially when he drinks Brandy-but it must be Klipdrift-then he blows his lid!)
On new years this year we went to a braai at a friends place & he was drinking brandy & he got into a verbal fight with his friend & he left me there. I apologised to the host & his family because it was 5minutes to 12 when they had the argument & then left. (I had my own car so he walked home & I drove home) By the time I got home he was leaving-with a panga in his hand saying he was going to teach his friend a lesson & I must just "Stay the f*#k away from him" for the night. I called his friend to warn him that my b/friend was on his way over & drove out there to see if there was anyway I could get him to change his mind but by the time I got there he was screaming at the top of his lung-taunting his friend telling him to come out & face him. He also shouted something about his friend dying because of people like him (A friend of his died at the age of 22 last year on December 8th due to an allergic reaction to penicillin-so I have no idea what he was blaming his friend for-in fact he has blamed me for his friends death on more than one occassion too). He gets so angry so quickly-the sightest thing makes him snap & he will puch things & throw things & kick things & break things. The other day he went to a bar with a friend of his, so this week I went out for a friends birthday. I smsed him to let him know where I was going & what time I'd be back but the next day he shouted at me because he said I shouldve asked permission from him then he told me to 'F. off' until he is ready to speak to me. BUT he went out last week without telling me anything! (AND I didn't do this as a tit for tat thing iether) His sister called me a few hours later & shouted at me because he threw her cell phone across the room & broke it-she blamed me for his outburst! They always do-but they know he gets angry at the slightest thing-thats why they give him what he wants when he wants it (Like Money), they let him get away with his tantrums & then clean up after him. Just the other day he punched his bedroom cupboard to smithereens because he had hayfever & was sneezing alot! I am so tierd of these outbursts & temper tantrums-at 24 he should be able to control himself! He has to learn he can;t get everything he wants by intimadation! He has lost jobs due to his temper too! He has said before with all he has been through (He went through abuse as a child) When he gets angry he feeds off all the anger & the hurt of all the people who have hurt him & then he just "blows up" & he cant stop himself. He can be very verbally abusive-often to the point that I am in tears & then he calls me weak. (He hates it when people cry-it makes him even more angry) When he apologises he says he only calls me names to make me stronger! What is wrong with him!?!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Worried,
I'm afraid that, from what you say, you have every reason to be worried. This man sounds like he has a very severe personality disorder and could be highly dangerous, and I can see no good reason for anyone wanting to have a relationship with him --- the concern should be more the issue that such men can be highly dangerous when someone with whom they have formed a relationship, try to leave them.
If he was abused as a child, that is no excuse for his present behaviour. In fact it is far more likely that this behavior has been encouraged by a family which spoilt him, and taught him that his tantrums would always bring him whatever he wanted.
Why not call a local branch of a group like POWA which helps abused partners, and can give expert and practical advice on freeing oneself from a destructive and dangerous relationship ?
It is totally imporible for this man to be helped unless and until he sincerely recognizes that he has a serious problem which needs halp, and voluntarily and sincerely seeks proper expert help for it.
The priority ought to be protecting you and others from his dangerousness.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

2
Our users say:
Posted by: anna | 2004/01/12

What are you waiting for? By the sounds of it, you're lucky to still be alive. Just don't be alone with him when you tell him you're going - your chances of being attacked are high. Nothing you do can change this man. Don't spoil the rest of your life by putting up with this unbelievable behaviour. Surely you don't want to expose kids to this?

Reply to anna
Posted by: k00s | 2004/01/11

hes a complete @sshole thas whas wrong. get away from him as soon and as far away as u can...uve already missed the starting gun,,,

Reply to k00s

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